Broken Circles
by Angel of Fire SG1
Summary: The city was gone, destroyed, leaving behind only the people who'd once stood and fought for their new home. SheppardWeir, RononTeyla
1. Prologue

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Broken Circles

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**Summary:**_ The city was gone, destroyed, leaving behind only the people who'd once stood and fought for their new home.  
_**Pairings: **_Sheppard/Weir, Ronon/Teyla  
_**Rating: **_PG-13...otherwise known as "T"  
_**Spoilers: **_Nothing specific, just general season 2 spoilers...if you've seen Runner you'll know all you have to.  
_**A/N: **_OMG it's been forever since I written big long fic! But here I am again to annoy you all with my posting ;) So here we go, hope you enjoy..._

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**Prologue**

_3 Years After Initial Arrival on Atlantis_

"Elizabeth, get down!"

Dr. Elizabeth Weir looked to her right, a blast from a Wraith stunner was flying in her direction. Instantly she ducked, letting it fly over her head, and then ran behind the nearest object she could use as shelter, it just so happened to be a large shipping container the _Daedalus_ had recently brought back from Earth and they hadn't quite had time to pack.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard appeared next to her. "Were you hit?"

"No, I'm fine," she replied.

"Stay here," he ordered. "I don't want you out there, you're going to get killed!"

"And you're not?"

"I have a gun," he replied, looking back over the gate room that had now become a battle ground.

"Then give me one," Elizabeth replied.

He looked at her in surprise. "Elizabeth…I don't think that's wise…"

"I know how to shoot, John, you showed me a few months back," she defended herself.

"That wasn't in the heat of battle," he fired off a short round from his P-90 at a Wraith who was heading their way.

"John, give me your handgun…and don't make me make it an order."

"Elizabeth I don't want you to kill anyone, I don't want you to regret it," he said. "Trust me; even if it's a Wraith it's going to have an effect on you."

"At least I'll be alive!" she said.

He looked at her, she could see in his eyes, he didn't want her to have to go through the reaction to killing someone, he was protecting her, but he also knew she was right. He pulled out his handgun and held it out in front of him.

"Only shoot if something attacks you," he ordered. "I'm going to the controls, I'm going to set the self destruct with Rodney. Then I'm going to dial a safe planet and everyone possible is going to get through that gate, that includes you. Ronon and Lorne are going to make sure that no Wraith follow you through…then we're going to blow this place. Understand?"

"What about you?"

"Elizabeth, do you understand?" he said, grabbing her arms.

"Yes…but…"

"This is what I was trained to do, and if it means protecting Earth and saving you then it's what I'm going to do…"

She felt her insides clench into a ball. She didn't want to understand what he was telling her. She didn't want to believe that it had come to this. Her eyes wanted to cry, but it wasn't the time to do so, she could leave that for later, for privacy.

"No…" she found herself saying quietly. "What about Rodney?"

"He knows what's going to happen as much as I do…if we make it to the control room there's no coming back down before the gate shuts off…"

She met his eyes. The seemed to reach right inside her, telling her everything he felt in that moment. Fear, anger, hatred…all his emotions ran through his eyes, and he let her read them freely.

"Go…" she said, quietly, finding herself say the word again, the one she never wanted to say.

It was a word that had once seemed so meaningless, and now was filled with memories of sending people to their deaths, of having been the one to do so. This wasn't what she had dreamed of as her future job when she'd been a child, it had been the cause she'd worked against most of her life - war, fighting, weapons.

"Take care of everyone…" he said, quietly.

"There's no time for goodbyes, John," Elizabeth said, not entirely sure she could deal with saying goodbye, knowing for sure it would be the last time.

He seemed hurt by the statement. "Then I guess I'll see you around."

He stood up, running into the stream of Wraith stun weapons and bullets fired from weapons. Elizabeth reached out to grab him as he left, suddenly realising that her last words to him would be ones she'd come to regret, but he was gone from her reach before she'd reacted. She watched him blast his way through the sea of Wraith, making a path through them. It was halfway up the stairs that she saw him falter, blood appearing on the bottom of his right pant leg.

She half jumped up, her instant reaction to be to run to his help, but then she pulled herself back down. He was gone.

"You ready?"

Ronon had now appeared next to her, his weapon in his hand, disposing of any Wraith that came into his view. Elizabeth nodded slowly, still watching John as he entered the control room, shot the few Wraith that were in his way, and joined Rodney at the controls. She watched as they typed in their codes, and then as Rodney dialled the Stargate.

"Go, go, go!" Lorne shouted loudly as the wormhole engaged.

Elizabeth ran out into the open, Ronon running out with her, and with the help of the few marines remaining they made sure the Wraith stayed away, leaving it open for the scientists to run to the gate. She watched Zelenka run through, followed by Beckett, Kisunagi and Heightmeyer. They'd all been hiding out in the control room for hours, since the Wraith had made their surprise attack.

As Elizabeth reached the gate she stopped and turned around, surveying the gate room. Taking in the dead bodies, both human and Wraith, and finally glancing up to the control room. He stood there, firing his P-90 at the Wraith. He stopped for a moment to reload, letting Rodney and the marines also up in the control room do the shooting.

In that moment he glanced down at her.

He waved shortly and sadly.

She felt herself smiling ever so slightlybefore finding herself pushed through the gate by Ronon. They were gone, but at least she knew she was forgiven for her last words, something she otherwise couldn't have lived with.

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	2. Chapter 1

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**Chapter One**

_4 Years After Initial Arrival on Atlantis_

Elizabeth lay on the ground, watching the stars above her. _One year._ It had been one year since they'd stepped through the gate from Atlantis. While they still officially lived under Elizabeth's command, Ronon had taken over for the most part, being the only one in the group who knew how to live constantly on the run.

They couldn't stay in one place. The Wraith were everywhere, hunting constantly, wanting them more than anyone else in the galaxy, because they'd ruined their chances of getting to Earth, to a seemingly unlimitless food supply.

In their travels they'd heard rumours from the locals, rumours that the city of the Ancients had been destroyed. Luckily they had evacuated the Athosians a few hours before the Wraith had attacked. They had checked on the Athosians a few days after they'd first evacuated Atlantis, informing them that the city had been destroyed, that they could no longer connect a wormhole through to the gate there, cutting them off not only from the planet but from Earth.

Since that day the galaxy had become swarmed with Wraith ships, the fleet in full working mode with no one to stand in their way, watching planets carefully, and when the people of those planets became to hard to controlthey would attack.

There was no longer opportunity for hiding and pretending that their populations were smaller than they were. The days of fighting back were over; the Wraith had full control of the galaxy, every habited planet, and many that weren't. It made it difficult for them to find planets where it was safe, but somehow Ronon managed to do so, knowing the exact caves to hide out in on un-habited planets.

They'd been in their current location for two weeks, and so far it had proved safe enough. They stayed in the underground caves during the day and headed out at night to find food. Ronon had taught them the art of hunting and scavenging for food and they'd gotten used to eating strange animals, and being able to tell what were the good fruits and what were the bad ones.

But now she lay staring at the starry sky, wondering how many of those sparkling lights were actually Wraith ships lying in wait for them and how many of them held planets that were being threatened. For a moment she found herself wondering which one of the stars was Atlantis, or used to be, and which one was the Milky Way.

It was times like these she needed to Rodney around. She felt herself saddened at the thought of her friend lying in pieces under the ocean, in the ruins of the resting place of the city they once called home.

"Mind if I join you?" the Scottish accent gave away who it was, there was no need for her to look up.

"Of course, if you want to lie down on the not-entirely-dry ground," she replied.

"It's warm enough for a little water to do no harm," Carson replied, lying down on the grass next to her. "So what are you doing out here?"

"Thinking," Elizabeth replied.

"You do this a lot, now," he stated. "Lie in the grass and look at the sky."

"It gives me something to do," she sighed. "I always wonder which direction home is."

"Earth?" he asked.

"No."

"I miss Atlantis too," he said. "I know Earth is our real home, but Atlantis just feels…"

"…felt…" Elizabeth corrected without thinking.

"Aye," Carson said, the sadness in his voice echoing her feelings.

"It's been a year," she said after a moment.

"Today?"

"Five minutes ago, since we left Atlantis," she paused before continuing. "It's probably exactly a year right now since the self destruct went off…"

She felt her words catching in her throat and fell silent. Carson seemed to understand because he reached out and squeezed her hand lightly.

"It's possible they could have escaped," he said, not sounding too sure of that.

Elizabeth sat up, not able to look at the sky anymore, and turned around to look at Carson as he sat up as well. "It's false hope, Carson, we both know that."

"But at least it's hope," he said.

She nodded slightly, looking away. "At least it's hope…"

They sat there for a long time, side by side, staring out over the valley that stretched away in front of them. Elizabeth felt her mind wandering back to the people she'd lost. To John. She pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them, resting her head on her knees.

She missed him, as uncaring as it sounded, more than anyone else. He'd always been there for her to lean on when she needed someone, he'd always been there to make her smile, to give her that warm fuzzy feeling she'd read about in so many books. Even now thinking about him made her smile.

She remembered him giving her the first birthday present she'd received off world. A pot that she assumed one of the Athosians had made and sold to him. That had meant so much to her, that he'd gone to the lengths to not only find out her birthday, but get her a present for it. But that was the kind of person he'd always been, loving and caring at the same time as being their best fighter pilot and military commander.

He'd been the closest thing to a best friend she'd had since elementary school. Her eyes were suddenly watery, thinking of the look in his eyes before he'd gone to set the self-destruct. She knew she'd always regret not saying goodbye, and it was times like this that she did.

"I miss them," Carson blurted out suddenly. "Even Rodney."

Elizabeth smiled at that, wiping her eyes quickly, not wanting to show Carson how upset she really was. "Yeah, his annoying chatter was always there to fill empty silences."

"And he was always a useful form of entertainment," Carson said.

"Yeah," Elizabeth said quietly, her mind returning to John again.

Carson seemed to notice her change in composure because he reached out and put his arm around her, pulling her to him. She appreciated the gesture more than he could possibly know, not having had someone there to comfort her since John…

"Sometimes…sometimes I really wish John was here," she heard her own voice cracking, not even sure why she was telling Carson.

"I know," he replied.

"I just, I started to rely on him so much and then…" she stopped, not able to fight tears and talk at the same time.

"I know," Carson repeated, rubbing her shoulder with his hand. "It's hard when you lose someone who was such a good friend."

She fell silent for a moment, reflecting on the statement. "He was much more than that."

He paused before saying,"I know."

And the third time he said it she knew he actually did understand. John was a great friend to her, but he was so much more than that at the same time. He _had _been so much more to her.

"We should get back to the cave, Ronon will be back soon with food," Carson said, removing his arm from around her and standing up, holding a hand out.

Elizabeth breathed in deeply and stood up, looking once more out at the stars. "They could still be out there," she said quietly to herself, then she turned to Carson. "Thank you."

"Always welcome," he replied. "Come on, lets go."

The two of them turned around and returned to the cave.

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Ronon didn't like being on the run. Again. He'd spent two blissful years living a relatively normal life, yet here he was again hiding from the Wraith. Although at least they didn't have to move every day, he could spend more than one night in one place.

And at least this time he wasn't alone.

He felt left out with these people though. They were so amateur at the whole living on the run thing. He spent most of his thinking time wishing Teyla were around, if she was there he'd have someone around he could relate to, someone he had something in common with. These people were nothing like him, although they were learning, it wasn't the same.

He looked up to see Elizabeth and Carson entering the cave. There were two people who had no place on the run. A diplomat and a doctor. He wished he could leave them in a village somewhere, but it was too risky. Moving around was the best way.

"Hmm smells good," Lorne said, sitting down opposite Ronon. "What is it?"

"The same thing we had every night for the last two weeks," Zelenka muttered, sounding bitter.

"That's great, I love local rodent," Lorne grinned.

Ronon couldn't tell if he was using Earth sarcasm or if he actually felt that way about the food. Either way Ronon didn't care much. After a year they'd become accustomed to eating whatever came.

"Eat away," Ronon muttered.

He took his share and watched as everyone took their places around the small fire. It was a warm night, but there were few times when they saw real light, spending most of their waking hours in the dark to avoid being seen. After a few moments Elizabeth reached down, picking up her silver mug.

"I'd like to make a toast," she announced, avoiding looking at anyone specifically.

All attention was on Elizabeth. Ronon wondered what in the galaxy they could have to toast about, but he figured Elizabeth was usually level headed so there must be some importance to her toast.

"It's been exactly an Earth year since Atlantis was destroyed," she said, calmly, but he could hear her trying to hide her emotions. "So I'd like to toast to those that fought and died so we could live and Earth would be safe."

The clinking of water mugs echoed through the cave for a few moments before everyone fell silent, now in their own world of thought. Ronon wished they were still back on the city. He didn't talk much anymore, he didn't seem to have a need, that was a part of his life he'd thought was over, but here it was again. He had nothing in common with anyone.

He really wished Teyla were around.

He closed his eyes, letting the extra warmth from the fireplace wash over him, trying to pretend he was back before the Wraith had ever taken him. Sateda had never been a particularly peaceful planet to live on, but it hadn't been one that was so bad it was unliveable. Ronon had loved his home, and he'd had his friends there. But the Wraith had ruined all that, destroyed their cities, killed his friends.

It was only because of Teyla that he'd even discovered there were other survivors from the battle.

And now she was dead.

He felt anger fill him. Standing up he threw his plate down, turning around and storming out of the cave. He didn't want to be with the others, he wanted to be alone. That was how he belonged, alone. Everywhere he went disaster followed him, and it was better he stayed alone. At least that way no one else got hurt.

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Miran Anders:** Ah but who knows how long they'll be parting ways huh? ;) Glad u like it so far 

**Ashkash:** LOL I'm glad u mean that in a good way ;) Well I guess you'll just have to wait to see what happened to John :P

**xkawaiix:** Of course!

**Serendipity73:** Does this answer your question? Definately planning on continuing this :)

**TubaPrincess:** Yeah I like happy endings too, but sometimes sad endings work better...either way we dunno how this one ends yet do we? ;)

**Thedummie2:** You will some time in the fic, sorry there's none in this chapter! Trust me I'm sure I can't resist it ;)

**SGAngeL:** Thanks! And look here was some more fic for you :)

**Espiritu:** Can't stay away from the angst!I really can't help it :PBut hopeful I can put non-angsty stuff in here somewhere too!

Ah but who knows how long they'll be parting ways huh? ;) Glad u like it so far 


	3. Chapter 2

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Chapter Two

_3 Years After Initial Arrival on Atlantis_

"Go," Elizabeth almost whispered.

He watched her, not wanting to leave. He could feel her skin underneath his palms, and he didn't want to break the contact between them. He wanted to do so many things at once, hug her, say goodbye, kiss her. It would be so easy just to lean forward and kiss her.

He shook any thought of doing that from his mind, brought back to awareness by the sound of a P-90 going off nearby.

"Take care of everyone…" he found himself saying.

"There's no time for goodbyes, John."

Her tone was harsh and he felt it. Here was his last chance to ever show her how he felt, to say goodbye possibly for the last time ever, and she wouldn't let him. Maybe that made it easier.

"Then I guess I'll see you around," he said.  
As he stood up and ran back into the battlefield he saw her reach forward out of the corner of his eye. She didn't want him to leave, yet she hadn't let him say goodbye. That hurt him. But it wouldn't matter, in just over five minutes he'd be dead, and the city would be gone. But she would be safe and that's all that mattered to him.

As he reached the stairs he felt a stray bullet penetrate the skin of his leg. He couldn't let it stop him though; he had to get through to the control room though. He had to. It was the last thing he'd do and he had to do it.

He reached the top of the stairs, and found Rodney. A few marines were holding back the Wraith from entering the control room, but John could see that they wouldn't be able to do so for much longer.

"You took your time, what did you do stop off at the store on your way here?" Rodney muttered.

"Sorry, did you want me to get you something?" John typed his code into the computer.

Rodney glared at him for a moment.

"Rodney type the fucking code!" he shouted.

Taken aback for a moment Rodney paused before typing his code into the computer. "There, happy? Now we're all going to blow up!"

"That's the idea…" John replied. "Dial the gate."

Rodney mumbled something under his breath and dialled the gate. A shout from one of the marines alerted him to the fact that the Wraith were closing in. He ran to the line of marines and began firing. To his surprise he quickly heard the familiar clicking sound that he dreaded. Ducking out of the way of fire he started to reload. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Elizabeth standing at the gate, looking up at him.

He looked back down at her. He didn't know what made him do it but he waved, hoping she'd take it as a sign that she was forgiven. She turned around and entered the gate. John didn't know what that meant, but it didn't matter. He turned around to face his fate, only to find himself being grabbed by a Wraith on the arm.

He dropped his P-90, cringing and waiting for the hand that would reach out and suck his life away from him, praying for the four and a half minutes left on the auto-destruct to come faster. Neither came. Instead he found himself being hit by a Wraith stunner, the last thing he saw as he fell unconscious was Rodney falling to the ground, also having been hit by a Wraith stunner.

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John woke up with a massive headache, a headache that only got worse when he realised where he was.

"Wraith ship," he mumbled, rolling onto his side to make it easier on himself.

Rodney was unconscious on the ground next to him and as he sat up he noticed Teyla against the wall, sitting up.

"Yes, it is," she replied.

"The marines?" John asked, sitting up and rubbing his head.

"I have not seen any of them," Teyla replied.

"Damnit, we could use them at a time like this," he paused and looked at Teyla. "You OK?"

"I am fine," she replied.

Just at that moment Rodney sat up quickly, making a loud noise. He paused, looked around him and groaned.

"Why couldn't they just leave us there to die?" he said, lying back down on the ground and closing his eyes. "Please tell me I'm dead, please tell me I'm dead, please…"

"Rodney!" John couldn't take him at that moment.

"I'm not dead," he sat up.

"No, you're not, but you might be if you don't learn the meaning of the word 'quiet'," John muttered.

Rodney opened his mouth to say something, but John held up a hand which stopped him. John noticed Teyla had a vaguely amused expression on her face, but she wasn't laughing at them in the way she usually would.

"So we're in big trouble," Rodney said after a few minutes silence.

"That would be a good assumption, thanks Rodney," John shot back.

"Look there's no need to be sarcastic, its not my fault we're in this situation!"

"No…" he paused and lessened his angry tone. "No, it's not your fault. I'm sorry."

"You should be," Rodney replied.

Something suddenly clicked into place in John's mind and he slapped his jacket pocket. As he found what he remembered putting there he smiled.

"Now what're you smiling at?" Rodney asked.

John pulled a small block of clay out of his pocket. "C4."

"What on Earth did you have C4 in your pocket for?"

"I always take a little C4, just in case…it's something I've learnt over the last few years," John said, standing up and moving towards the door.

Teyla and Rodney were on their feet in a second.

"Ah should we…get back?" Rodney asked.

"That's probably advisable….go…now!"

The three of them ran to the furthest part of the cell. John hit the button to set the C4 off and the second it was safe they were gone. They weren't planning on hanging around long enough for the Wraith to notice the explosion and subsequently noticing their absence.

"This way," John said, signalling to the others to follow him.

Normally he would've stuck just with hand signals, but being Rodney he figured words were safer. Plus, if the explosion hadn't attracted the attention then a quiet command wouldn't.

"We need a life-sense-detector," Rodney muttered.

"I knew I shouldn't have let Lieutenant Ford name anything," John muttered, more to himself than anyone else.

He saw something in Teyla's expression flinch at the mention of Ford's name. Out of all of them she was the one who had been the closest to him when he'd run off. But this was no time to be thinking about emotional things, he flicked his attention back to their current situation.

"Wraith," Teyla said, seconds before they came into view.

Before the Wraith could even think they were on the ground, as many bullets as it took to kill each embedded in their chests.

"Go," John said.

The three of them ran as fast as they could. Knowing their only chance of living was to escape the Wraith ship before they were discovered.

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**TubaPrincess: **Couldn't leave this at one chapter, there's so much to do with it ;)

**darkjewelledassassin: **Aaaw glad u liked the Liz/Carson part. Have to see bout the happy ending though ;)

**Marin Anders: **Yeah I can't see Ronon being entirely patient with them all the time, but he'd stay loyal to them because they let him stay when he had nowhere to go. And thanks :)

**SGAngel: **Of course we have to find them safe and well! How is another matter all together ;)

**puddles1311: **Thank you

**xkawaiix:** Hehe isn't Lorne adorable? I love him too!

**Serendipity87: **You're welcome, thanks for reviewing ;)

**Quezacolt: **HEIDI! You coming to the Stargate con? Haven't talked to you in ages! Hehe the chaptersgonna keep coming - its my distraction from studying!

**Ashkash:** Glad ur liking it! Hehe I love Lorne he's so cute, so don't worry he'll be in plenty more of the fic!

**Simple Hope:** Wow...I really don't know what to say to that except thanks - I like ur fics too! And I never mind a long review I always find feedback (good and bad) welcome!


	4. Chapter 3

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Chapter Three

_4 Years After Initial Arrival On Atlantis_

John pulled his hood further around his face. He knew there were people out there working for the Wraith, why they'd do it he couldn't understand, but there were, and his face was one of the most wanted faces out there. Not only had he blown up Atlantis and therefore their chances of getting to Earth, he'd escaped their ship only hours later.

Therefore his face had to remain hidden.

Teyla and Rodney were back on the planet they'd made home, the three of them having decided it was safer if they didn't travel to other worlds together as it would look more suspicious. Teyla barely went anywhere, being well known amongst trading worlds better than the others.

Trading was become harder and harder to achieve as Wraith-loyal humans became more and more common, meaning races were less likely to trade with strangers, afraid of giving away too much information.

"It was him! I swear..."

For some reason the sentence caught John's attention. The small woman selling fresh fruit at a stand seemed excited in sharing the information she had with her friend. John casually walked over and started eyeing the fruit, they needed something to eat anyway.

"Ronon Dex? It could not be…"

His eyes shot up, looking at the woman. "I'm sorry, did you say you saw him?"

"And who are you?" she asked.

"An old friend…do you know where he is?" John questioned.

"I'd think not, they're on the run you know? The lot from the city of the Ancients. Serves them right to, for blowing up the city! What were they thinking?"

"When did you see him?" John ignored her comment about blowing Atlantis up, she didn't understand and there was no point in trying to explain it to her.

"Well, it would have been three days ago now…had a woman with him. They wanted weapons…"

"The woman…Did she have brown, curly hair, green eyes? Thin and about this high?" he held his hand up at the height he knew Elizabeth stood at.

"That's her…well of course they made everyone go into a big fuss because one of the Wraith spies spotted them. We made sure he was silenced before we made sure they were off our planet, warned them not to come back. Last thing we need is our planet swarming with the Wraith," the lady then smiled. "So was there anything I could do for you?"

"Ah, yeah, I'll have some those," he pointed to something that seemed to resemble an orange.

The lady filled the bag and handed it to him. He handed her the local currency, one that thankfully worked on most worlds, and took the bag, making sure his hood was tightly around his face, and headed for the Stargate.

Elizabeth was alive. And with Ronon. They'd survived.

He felt as though someone had taken all his worries away. Teyla, Rodney and himself weren't the only survivors. He wondered how many of them there were. He hadn't looked to see who'd actually gone through the gate other than Elizabeth.

He'd made sure she was safely away before he'd let the city explode.

They'd been there only a few days earlier and he'd missed them. As he reached the 'gate he punched in the now familiar coordinates of their world. As he stepped through the wormhole he felt as though he was stepping back through to Atlantis, not to Earth-Two as Rodney had nicknamed it.

As he walked from the 'gate back towards their cave he found himself thinking about Atlantis. Strangely enough he didn't find himself missing Earth at all. He'd never had anything there, nothing that was worth missing, therefore he held little attachment to the place. Sure sometimes he wished he could go to the football, or the movie cinema, hell even smelling popcorn at that moment would make him happy.

But it was Atlantis that he wanted to go back to. He knew that was impossible now because it was gone, floating in a million pieces at the bottom of the ocean. But he found himself less home-sick for the broken city and more homesick for the people there, for their way of life. He thought that if he had the people around him that he'd had on Atlantis he'd be happy.

Especially if she was there.

He wasn't even sure what it was about Elizabeth, but he'd always felt comfortable around her, always known that he could trust her and she would trust him no matter what.

"What you get? Don't tell me you came back with nothing again?"

"I got oranges," he threw the bag on the ground in front of Rodney. "Eat away. Where's Teyla?"

"I am here," she said, appearing from her section of the cave.

They'd found a really large, dry place, and they'd settled in there happily. There were two sections that were separate from the main cave. They'd designated one as Teyla's sleeping area, and the larger one as shared quarters for John and Rodney.

Although one of them remained awake at all times to keep watch.

"The woman I bought the fruit from saw Ronon and Elizabeth a few days ago. They were spotted by a Wraith-loyal and they had them banned from the planet…but they're alive," John said.

Teyla sat down. "They're alive?"

"Probably more of them as well," John said.

"Oh my god…" Rodney said. "All this time I just assumed they'd found a way to get themselves killed!"

Both John and Teyla looked at him in disbelief.

"What?"

"If _you_ can survive on the run from life-sucking aliens, anyone can," John muttered. "I'll be outside."

He needed to think. Elizabeth was alive. The emotion flooding him from that realisation was taking over and he had to get outside. It hadn't hit him until right at that moment. He'd spent the last year dreaming about the moment when he found her. He was going to hold onto her and never let go again, nothing else would matter in that moment, because she would be there, and he knew she would make his worries lessen, would tease him when it was necessary, and understand when it wasn't.

He sat down on their 'look out chair', a rock they had designated the most comfortable, just outside the cave. He wanted her to be there now. He wanted to go back to the planet and ask where they went.

"She is alive."

Teyla was standing next to him, arms crossed, not looking at him, but out at the trees blocking most of the sunlight.

"Yes, she is," he replied. "So is he."

"Yes," Teyla said.

To anyone else the conversation would have seemed cryptic. But they'd all become close friends in the year they'd spent separated from the universe, including Rodney. But Teyla and John had spent sleepless nights talking, Rodney's snoring accompanying them in the background. She knew how he felt about Elizabeth and he knew how she felt about Ronon.

"He kissed me once," she said, suddenly.

John looked at her in surprise. "So did I."

"That, was different," Teyla smiled slightly. "You were not yourself."

"No, I really wasn't," John replied.

"But he was," her tone shifted, saddened. "We were off-world, when you sent us to negotiate a trade deal with the Talorians because Dr. Weir wanted you to supervise Rodney and Zelenka experimenting with nuclear explosives."

"Oh yeah, and wasn't that just the most exciting assignment I ever had," John muttered.

Teyla smiled for a moment, still staring into the trees. "After we finished our negotiations, which did not take long, they held a party in our honour. Of course we both drank too much alcohol and as we were walking back to our accommodation he stopped, staring at the sky. He said something about the stars being right, how he remembered visiting the planet when he was in the military, and remembered seeing the skies.

"He said he'd named them with his best friend, one who later died in battle. He then looked down at me and said I looked lovely. And then he kissed me. I did not know what to do at that moment, it was not unwelcome but it took me by surprise, even in my not-entirely-sober condition. We stood there for a long time, I think we would have remained much longer had someone not set off a firework in our vicinity."

John looked at her, happy to see her smiling for the first time in weeks.

"Nothing happened after that night, and I think about it now and what it could have been…" she trailed off.

"What can be," John corrected. "He's alive."

"We must find them," she replied, looking at him.

"We have to," John said. "We will..."

* * *

**darkjewelledassassin: **Thanks! I find McKay the most difficult to write so I take that as a really big compliment

**Ashkash: **Lorne obsessed :P But hey I can't talk cos he's adorable.

**Serendipity87: **Look there waseven less wait for this chapter :) I was on a writing roll the last couple of days

**TubaPrincess: **Did Atlantis blow up? I guess you'll have to wait and see won't you :P

**puddle1311: **Thank you:)

**Quezacolt: **Yay! We can finally meet :P Yeah catch up on MSN some time soon. And thanks ;)

**Thedummie2: **Here's a little bit of Ronon/Teyla for you, trust me there'll be more to come

**xkawaiix: **Of course they're not dead! Where would be the fun in that:P


	5. Chapter 4

**

* * *

**

Chapter Four

_3 Years After Initial Arrival On Atlantis_

She stood back and watched the gate shut behind her. They were gone. Rodney, Teyla and John were gone. Lorne was already shouting instructions to the people around her, and they were busy packing the limited supplies they'd brought through together and getting ready to move onto the next planet, away from the Wraith.

She felt tears fighting to get through, but she wouldn't let them, resolving herself to the uncomfortable feeling of wanting to burst. At least she appeared brave that way. For the sake of the others, she had to remain brave.

Rodney and his constant complaints were gone.

Teyla and her calm collectedness was gone.

John was gone.

She searched through her mind, looking for some glimmer of hope in the future, but she could fine none. All she could see was a life without him there, one which once would have seemed perfectly normal to her, but now seemed so empty. She'd come to rely on him to such an extent that to not have him there to rely on was foreign.

It'd been three years since she'd first met him, three years since she'd found him in that chair, so innocently not having any idea what was going on. Then for some reason she'd known instantly she wanted him on the mission. She'd never been so sure about anything in her life. Not only did he have the gene to an extent previously never heard of, but something else had told her that she wanted him along.

At first they'd argued, having a difference in opinion, but as the months rolled by she found him standing by her side more and more, standing up for her decisions, making sure no one went against her. Occasionally he'd do something against her orders, deeming it a military situation, doing what he did to save lives, and just as he'd come to see things from her point of view, she'd come to see things from his.

John was someone who would sacrifice himself to save anyone he knew, and she had to let him do that, even if it meant her heart stopping constantly, thinking he was dead.

But now he was dead, having made the ultimate sacrifice to save the rest of them.

"Staring at it's not going to bring them back," Ronon's deep voice said from her left.

"I know," she replied.

"I just thought I'd warn you now, I've been there and done that, hoping they were still alive but knowing they weren't…don't dwell on it – but never give up hope," he paused for a moment. "I still managed to find out three hundred of my people lived, after I thought I was alone, and if anyone can make it through it's them."

"I hope so," she said quietly. "Thank you Ronon."

"You're welcome," he replied, then he nodded to the others. "They need you to get out of the way before they can dial another address…we don't want the Wraith following us here."

**

* * *

**

She dialled the familiar sequence again, hoping that this time, just maybe, the wormhole would connect. She wasn't sure what she expected to find there, just hoped that there would be something. A confirmation of the mental image she had, of John, Teyla and Rodney still on Atlantis, somehow having killed the Wraith after they left.

Against she hit the last symbol and nothing happened.

It had been ten hours since they'd left Atlantis, they'd found somewhere to stay, a warm planet with a clearing that was perfect for them to set up camp in for the night. But Elizabeth had insisted on staying with the DHD for the last hour or so, punching in the address for their old home.

She knew it wouldn't work, but she had to try. It was her way of dealing, by not believing it had happened. Finally she stopped, turning around and looking up at the stars.

"Where are you?" she wasn't entirely sure who or what she was talking to, but she felt the need to say the words. "Where are you…"

She walked back to the campsite, slowly. Ronon and Lorne remained awake, each standing on one end of the camping ground, keeping a look out, while the remainder of people had curled up to sleeping underneath whatever they could find. She nodded to Lorne as she past, acknowledging his sad smile, his own recognition of her failure to contact Atlantis. She didn't think anyone else truly believed the city still stood, but she knew they all understood that she had to.

She found a spot that she decided looked comfortable, far enough away from everyone else for her to be alone. They were all snuggled close together, finding comfort in each other, knowing that they weren't alone. But Elizabeth felt more alone than she ever thought she could, and she felt like being that way. So she stayed away from the others, lying down and looking towards the trees.

She willed herself to cry, but no tears came. The ones she'd fought so hard to kill earlier on seeming to have obeyed her instructions. Her eyes remained dry, but her insides cried out for comfort, for normality and for love.

* * *

**Equinox-SGC: **Definately Blinky Bill style ;) Who wouldn't wanna work currency with gumnuts!

**Ashkash:** You and everyone else :P It's coming...

**Thedummie2: **Thank you!

**Espiritu: **Patience young padawan :P

**xkawaiix: **hehe sounds romantic doesn't it? Even if they were drunk!

**Miran Anders: **Lol - no pressure or anything there :P

**puddles1311: **I think Rodney had other things on his mind...and he didn't actually EAT it did he:P Plus who knows, maybe John's out to kill Rodney...

**Moonbebe: **Thanks glad ur enjoying it

**Traci: **haha Shep/Weir shippers are allowed to like Teyla/Sheppard friendship! I do, I enjoy all the friendship on Atlantis - that's half the reason I love Atlantis so much, the friendship.

**TubaPrincess: **I like it like that too.

**Quezacolt: **You know me too well ;)


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N: **_Sorry this took a while - I'm in the middle of my year 12 exams...not to mention stargate cons and footy matches :P...but here's the next part_

**

* * *

**

Chapter Five

**

* * *

**

_4 Years After Initial Arrival On Atlantis_

A long string of Czech swear words rang out across the field from the gate. Zelenka had been trying for almost as long as they'd been on the run to re-figure a DHD to dial back to Earth, but so far he was having little luck, complaining about the lack of equipment and needing Rodney.

"He's never gonna get that working," Ronon muttered.

Elizabeth looked at him standing next to her. "It's highly unlikely, but I guess we all do certain things to keep us believing."

At this point the only remaining spanner they had flew across the DHD and landed on the steps of the gate. It was followed by a now raving-mad scientist still swearing in another language. Instead of picking it up he sat down next to it and placed his head in his hands.

"Should we go and help him out?" Ronon asked.

"No," Elizabeth replied, smiling slightly. "He'll probably just throw the spanner at us and then we'll all be in trouble…it's much safer over here."

"You're probably right…" Ronon said, watching as Kisunagi tried to comfort him, only to be screamed at in Czech.

Elizabeth was even more amused when Kisunagi began screaming back at him in Japanese, resulting in an argument where the opposing teams had absolutely no idea what the other was saying. She wasn't even entirely sure why she was out there observing them. Usually Ronon went along just in case something nasty came through the gate, but she knew herself she wasn't much use when it came to blowing Wraith up.

"We should head off-world, pick up some more supplies," Ronon said, standing up, swinging his sword over his shoulder.

"Sounds more productive than this…" Elizabeth replied.

Ronon was already at the DHD by the time she'd finished her sentence.

"What do you think you are doing?" Zelenka asked him, still angry.

"I'm dialling offworld…what else would I want to be doing with a DHD?" Ronon replied.

"Gah!" Zelenka responded, throwing his hands up in the air. "No respect for anything I do…none of you appreciate my work!"

"Because you do nothing useful…" Kisunagi replied.

And there the argument went back to Czech and Japanese, Ronon remaining alone, staring at the two of them in complete confusion. Elizabeth stepped up next to him and dialled the coordinates of a planet they always found useful for procuring food. Even though Elizabeth had stepped down as acting the official leader of their group no one dared stand up to her, seeming to still respect her as they had when she lead Atlantis.

She took note that John's handgun was safely concealed, strapped to her ankle and then she stepped through the gate.

**

* * *

**

"Are you trying to kill me?" Rodney burst out of the cave holding the bag of orange-like fruits in his hand. "I can't eat this I'll die a horrible and twisted death."

John looked at him, realising that for once he wasn't exaggerating. "Sorry I had other things on my mind at the time…"

"Oh of course…I bet you just made this whole thing up so you had an excuse to kill me."

"Yes Rodney that's exactly what I was trying to do…" he replied sarcastically. "But now that you haven't fallen for it I guess I'll have to go back offworld and buy something Rodney-friendly…that is if there is anything Rodney-friendly in this galaxy."

Rodney opened his mouth to reply, but seemed to sense it was wiser not to, closing it again he dropped the bag of oranges on the ground and stormed back into the cave, muttering something about meat and potatoes.

John turned to Teyla. "I guess I'm going back off-world…"

"You have just returned, I will do so," Teyla said.

"You sure?"

"It will give me something to do," she replied, grabbing her coat and heading for the Stargate. "I will be back in a short while."

John watched as she headed for the gate, for some reason having a strange feeling in his stomach, one that told him something was going to change today. He shook it away, his mind telling him that he was only feeling that way because they'd had a few uneventful weeks. His mind returned to Elizabeth and Ronon.

If they were alive how many of the others had also survived? Zelenka? Beckett? Lorne? Were they all alive and living in much the same was as he? Or had they all been split up, broken apart by a war started by him four years previously…

**

* * *

**

Ronon stared blankly at the small boy exchange vegetables for money. He wondered why it was necessary for someone so young to be running a vegetable stall in a small village, did he have family?

His eyes flickered to Elizabeth as she smiled at the boy handing her a basket of vegetables. He rarely saw her smile, actually he didn't think he'd seen her smile like that since they'd been on Atlantis. She quite commonly wore an amused expression, especially when observing Zelenka getting frustrated with a DHD, or when Lorne made a comment that those from Earth seemed to find humorous. But he very rarely saw her smile honestly, and here she was smiling at a little boy.

He found himself thinking she would be a good mother, and wishing that she'd had the chance. He'd always thought she would have worked well with Sheppard, but it wasn't as though he was going to say anything about that to her, her looks could kill.

"Thank you," she said, smiling at the boy and standing up straight again. "OK I think that'll do, we're running low on curren…" She froze mid-sentence, staring out past Ronon's shoulder at something behind him. "Oh my God…"

Ronon turned slowly to look behind him. Standing there, staring in shock at both of them, was Teyla. She was thinner than he remembered, and the rags she wore were barely covered by a large brown cloak, her hair was a mess, and much longer than he remembered, but there was no doubt about it, it was Teyla.

"Teyla…" he found himself saying.

A smile seemed to be fighting it's way onto her face, but something was holding her back, as though she could barely believe it. Elizabeth walked over to her slowly, cautiously.

"Teyla?"

"Dr Weir…" she replied. "We had heard you were alive…but we only received that news hours ago and I did not expect to see you…"

Ronon wanted to run to her and hug her but he knew that wasn't something he should do. It would seem strange coming from him, he had to hold back. He didn't know what to say, so instead he remained silent, and watched as Elizabeth reached out and hugged Teyla. Teyla seemed surprised at the notion but she hugged her back.

"We should get out of here," Ronon finally came out with.

Teyla looked at him, seemingly shocked that was all he had to say, and at the same time he could see he'd hurt her. He didn't want to hurt her but he didn't know what else to do. It wasn't as though he could admit how much he'd missed her company, or that he spent every night thinking about her, about this moment.

No. He had to remain himself.

So instead he turned and walked towards the tree line, knowing the two women were following him, confusing himself. It was simple – he was seeing a friend that he had thought dead – and that was scaring him. What if it wasn't her?

Of course it was her…

"..so I had to come and find something for Rodney to consume that was not citrus," Teyla was explaining as they reached the tree line.

"Rodney…that…sounds odd coming from you," Elizabeth said, smiling slightly.

"Things change…" Teyla replied, staring pointedly at Ronon.

He continued to stare at her, trying to leave his expression void of emotion. "Yes, they do."

Elizabeth seemed to notice something between them because she lost her smile instantly. "Teyla…John is he…?"

"He is well," Teyla smiled at her. "And he will be pleased to see you…I should return to our planet, or they will begin to worry and come looking after me…"

"We're coming," Ronon said.

He cringed inwardly at his own bluntness, but he didn't know what to say. Teyla nodded and the three of them headed for the gate. After a few minutes he noticed Elizabeth pulling ahead, seemingly incredibly eager, and he hung back waiting for Teyla.

"I'm sorry…" he said as she caught up to him.

"For what?" she asked harshly, staring straight ahead and refusing to look at him.

"I am happy to see you…I just don't…I didn't expect this…" Ronon found himself confessing, grabbing her arm and stopping her, turning her to face him.

"You act as though you wish I weren't alive…" Teyla almost hissed.

Ronon frowned, not understanding how she could ever think he would wish such a thing. "Teyla I would never…"

He paused, searching her eyes, looking for some kind of forgiveness or trust. Instead he found only anger, knowing he had to continue.

"I thought you were dead and…" again he paused, frowning to himself. "…and I missed you."

He looked directly into her eyes again, hoping that he would see the forgiveness there, and then he did, at first flickering in confusion and then her expression softened and she became the Teyla he remembered.

"Ronon!" Elizabeth called from ahead, unable to see them.

The two of them almost jumped out of the moment and turned, walking down the path together, still in silence but at least they had lost the awkwardness…

* * *

**Equinox-SGC: **Thanks KC ;)

**Miran Anders: **Yeah the flashback's will become less frequent from here one...but they'll still come.

**TubasPrincess: **Yeah Elizabeth & Ronon friendship amuses me...because they're so different and they just don't seem to be able to converse on the same level - in this i'm assuming they've become slightly better at doing so though...

**xkawaiix: **Haha I love that chess scene :P

**Ashkash: **LOL points up to last two points They apply to u as well!

**puddles1311:** Or these things can be used as plot devices ;)...and here's more for you! Hopefully can get the next chapter up without so much delay

**Quezacolt: **I know who u are now :P lol! Thanks

**SGAngel: **Just a little bit longer...

**JamSack: **Glad I had that reaction on you! Hope you enjoyed this chapter too

**Nerwen Aldarion: **Of course I'm going to continue! I need a fic to work on or my brain would explode outta boredom...and I'd have nothing to avoid studying with ;)


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N:** _Thanks to Nat who helped out with this chapter :)_

* * *

**Chapter 6**

* * *

John was afraid of going back into the cave, knowing Rodney would probably scream at him for a good half hour before he'd let him do anything productive, and then he'd be making comments every five minutes about John trying to kill him. 

So he'd decided it would be much more peaceful, and safer, to remain outside.

He heard the gate activating, and not wanting to move he hoped it was Teyla not a squadron of darts. She was late back anyway and he hadn't heard the screeching of any Wraith darts, so he settled back into his seat, assuming it would be Teyla.

It wasn't until he heard voices that his mind registered that people besides Wraith and Teyla could come through the gate. He jumped up and grabbed his weapon, one similar to the pulse weapon Ronon had carried around. Taking the round path through the trees and avoiding the main one he found a position behind a rock where he knew he could see the path and still be invisible to them.

As the people came into view he froze.

_Elizabeth_.

He stood up, making enough noise to attract the attention of the three on the path. Teyla, Ronon…and Elizabeth.

He found himself slowly walkingdown the slight slope towards them, completely in shock. How had Teyla managed to find them? Why had she brought them back here? Did Elizabeth know he was alive? Did she care? Were they still the same people? Who else was alive?

Elizabeth's face said it all. She hadn't known he was alive, and she had definately not expected to see him again. Her face, half smiling and half scrunched up trying not to cry, was as readable as a book. He knew he wore the same expression on his own face, one of complete disbelief at what was happening, the inability to believe that it actually was.

Hecame to a stop, so close to her, yet still unable to reach out and hold her. What if she wasn't real? What if she was some delusion he'd conjured up in a delusional state caused from lack of sleep and food. Maybe she was actually a Wraith who was messing with his brain chemistry to trick him into…

He stopped his mind thinking and stared into the eyes of the woman standing before him. It was her.

Slowly he reached out with his hand and touched her face, unable to believe that he was really seeing her. His skin touched hers and he knew it was real. She was really there, alive and standing before him. He watched as she slowly reached up and touched his hand with hers, closing her eyes. Then she opened them again and raised them to look at his.

Before he knew it he felt himself wrapping his arms around her shoulders, pulling her against his chest and rested his head against hers. Tears prickled his eyes but he blinked them back, staring straight ahead as he felt her arms around his waist. She was alive and she was real. He had to stop himself from squeezing her closer to him, afraid that if he did so he'd squashed her to death. Instead he closed his eyes and pressed his face into her neck, feeling her hair against his cheek.

It was long now, past her shoulders, and hung messily, the neat curls he was used to had disappeared. She was even thinner, if that was possible, and her clothes were obviously made for someone twice her size, but it was her.

He didn't want to let go, half afraid that if he did she would disappear, that he would wake up and find it had all been a dream, but she stood back after a long minute and looked him in the eye. He noted her hands never left his arms, still gripped tightly around them.

"Never do that to me again," she said, sounding relieved, and as though she was about to cry.

"I'll try not to…" he replied, recognising the same overload of emotion in his own voice.

He smiled at her, taking in every inch of her,burning an image into his mind to convince himself she was alive, that this was really happening. He kept expecting to wake up as though it were some dream that he would wake up from only to find the twisted world would tell him she was dead, that he'd held her so close and she was gone.

Not thinking about it he reached out and hugged her again, and it was only after a cough from Ronon that he realised Ronon and Teyla were standing there as well. He pulled back reluctantly and turned to face Ronon.

"It's good to see you," Ronon said.

"Likewise," John replied, still making sure he could see Elizabeth out of the corner of his eye.

"This is the way to the cave," Teyla said, pointing down the path.

Teyla walked ahead, Ronon slightly behind her, John sensed some tension between them. He wondered if maybe their reunion hadn't gone as smoothly. He felt Elizabeth walking beside him, so close her hand continuously brushed against his, reassuring them both that the other was still present.

* * *

He was alive. There. Next to her, walking and acting as though nothing had happened. He'd grown stubble, but obviously still shaved occasionally because it was far from being a full-grown beard. He wore a loose white shirt and his Atlantis uniform pants. She was surprised they'd survived this long. 

Speaking of survival…

"So how did you make it out?" she asked, suddenly incredibly curious.

"They took us aboard their ship…we managed to escape…" he paused, not seeming to want to get into it. "Are the others all still alive?"

"We lost Kate Heightmeyer and Lieutenant Johnson to the Wraith…the others are fine, we move around as much as possible…" Elizabeth replied. "Ronon's been a great help avoiding the Wraith, knows the right planets and how to eat when we can't access food…although we've discovered plenty of markets recently."

"Same here…Rodney wasn't good with the eating wild rodents thing…"

"Major Lorne likes to joke about them," Elizabeth smiled. "Although I've become rather accustomed to it myself."

"I miss the days of jello and chocolate though," John sighed.

"Zelenka's been trying to rig the DHD to dial back to Earth…"

John stopped and looked at her in surprise. "You have a ZPM?"

"We're still working on that part of the plan…" she smiled at him.

As she looked over she noticed something in his eyes, a look of adoration and admiration, echoed by a slight smile, an expression she hadn't seen since her parents…

She lost her smile and looked directly ahead, afraid of the emotion she had just seen in John's face, one that far too easily mirrored her own feelings toward him. She had missed him so much, yet here they were acting as though nothing had changed, but everything had changed. She wanted to cry and laugh, but wasn't sure which urge was greater. .

But she did neither.

Instead she walked by his side as close as she could possibly manage, her hand brushing constantly against his as though they both wanted to make sure the other was still there - afraid that if they lost the physical contact they would lose each other again…

* * *

"Rodney!" 

Rodney's ears perked up at the sound of Teyla's voice. He was hungry and he hadn't had proper food for a couple of days, so it was more as though food was calling out to him.

"Coming," he called back, picking himself up off the ground and walking out of the cave.

What he found there shocked him. At first he didn't even recognise him, but after a few moments it clicked that it was Ronon who stood next to Teyla. Ronon Dex.

"Rodney…"

His eyes shifted past Teyla and Ronon to notice John and Elizabeth standing slightly further up the hill.

"Oh my God I've gone insane from lack of food…" Rodney muttered to himself, rubbing his eyes.

And then Elizabeth was walking down the hill towards him, next thing he knew she'd hugged him.

"OK now I know I'm dreaming…" he continued.

She pulled back and smiled at him. "We're really here…Radek and Carson will be happy to see you."

Rodney didn't reply for a few moments. This was real, they were alive. It hadn't sunk in that morning when John had come back reporting that they were alive – but now they were standing here before him…

"They're alive…" Rodney mumbled to himself. "All of them?"

"Most of them…" Elizabeth replied cautiously.

Rodney barely heard what she said. He didn't know what to feel, or how to feel it – but I mean who did when you just found out that all your friends you'd presumed dead were alive?

"We should go and see them…" John piped up from behind the others.

Rodney let his eyes focus on John and then he nodded in agreement. "Yes we should…"

* * *

**Hazeydream:** Haha I thought it was typical alpha male of him too - couldn't see him reacting in any other way ;) 

**darkjewelledassassin:** Hey I know u! Ur Sapphire from GW aren't u:-P Glad ur enjoying it :)

**EvieMay:** Lol almost now

**TubaPrincess:** Hehe I love Ronon/Teyla - I just can't see them running to each other in the old romantic way of 'OMG ur alive'...they just hadda be awkward!

**Tinuviel Undomiel:** Yeah damn them not kissing ;) Maybe later! And here's ur John/Liz meeting part!

**xkawaiix:** LOL yup citrus is always useful for stories :P

**Quezacolt:** OMG I know I want another con too! Haha we've been really lazy with the meeting thing haven't we? Considering we live in the same city! LOL! Torri!

**Thedummie2:** Don't die :P Really it's not worth it lol!

**Ashkash:** Ronon was totally shocked...I don't think he quite expected to run into Teyla shopping :P

**puddles1311:** Thankies!

**Equinox-SGC:** lol study...fan fic...study...fan fic...study...FAN FIC! Good luck for ur exams too!

**Cameron1:** Glad ur enjoying it! That was a damn good review :P

**SGLAB:** You don't have to wait any longer:-)


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N: **_Sorry bout delay in update I'm travelling at the moment and it's not so easy to update fics ;) so it's short but here ya go..._

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

Carson Beckett watched as Laura Cadman wrote in her journal. She did that a lot, he wasn't sure if it was something she'd always done, or if it was something she'd started doing to remind her of the old Earth days. He was always curious how she found enough to say to fill those pages, because really they did nothing with their time.

_Dear Diary,_

_Today I killed and ate a rat._

_Carson_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today a Wraith tried to eat my friend, Ronan killed him, then we came home and ate dead rat._

_Carson_

Nope he really had no idea what he would write in a journal that would take so many hours of his day. Maybe he could write about Laura. But that would be overly romantic of him wouldn't it? Especially since they'd been seeing each other for almost three years, there wasn't much new he'd be able to write about her.

Just at that moment she looked up and smiled. "You look really bored."

"Aye, I am…" he replied.

"Go do something doctor like…" she said, shutting her journal.

"Like what?" Carson asked, walking over and sitting down next to her on the ground.

"Check Lorne's feet for fungus…that sounds exciting," Laura grinned at him.

Instead he kissed her briefly on the lips. "Or we could go for a walk…"

"Or we could…"

She was cut off by a shout from outside. They both jumped up and ran out of the cave, expecting danger, some kind of need for immediate evacuation. Instead they found quite the opposite.

"Oh my God…" Laura whispered under her breath.

"Holy crap," Carson said at the same time.

In the clearing, accompanied by Elizabeth and Ronan, stood three people he'd never thought he'd see again. Three friends he'd assumed long gone were standing right before them, alive and looking…as well as they could under the circumstances.

"Carson," Rodney said, walking towards him.

"Rodney…"

Before he knew it he was hugging his friend, a smile on his face so huge he thought he was going to explode. They pulled back, both grinning.

"You're supposed to be dead!" Carson found himself saying.

"Yeah well it's not that easy to kill Sheppard…you should know that…and we were with him so I guess we just got lucky," Rodney said.

"Rodney!"

They both turned to see Zelenka almost bouncing in their direction. He reached them and grabbed Rodney, hugging him, before leaning back and shaking him.

"You are alive!"

He repeated it over and over, obviously trying to convince himself that this was reality.

"Yes Radek, I'm alive," Rodney said, the old sarcasm that Carson was used to showing through.

"Well don't get mad at me, we thought you were dead," Zelenka said defensively.

Carson let the two of them keep talking and turned to look at the others. Sheppard was talking to Lorne, Elizabeth very close to his side. He smiled to himself, he could tell how happy and relieved she was. Maybe the false hope he kept feeding her hadn't been so false after all.

He couldn't believe these people were standing before him, alive, after a year of assuming they were dead. Of course Rodney had been his closest friend out of the three of them, but Teyla and Sheppard were also friends of his. He walked towards them, at the same time wondering what to say, and wishing he had more time to say it all.

**

* * *

**

"Wow I think I've had enough hugging to last me a life time," John said, appearing inside the cave.

Elizabeth looked up at him as he sat down next to her on the log. The majority of people were either asleep or still partying outside. She smiled at him and then returned to staring at the fire, suddenly very aware of exactly how close he was sitting to her.

"I can imagine," she muttered, taking a sip of the wine Lorne and Cadman had produced from somewhere.

She knew he was watching her, and instead of making her feel uncomfortable as she knew it should have, she found it comforting. She didn't care what he was doing or who he was staring at, he was there, next to her…alive.

Even after all the time they'd spent apart she knew exactly the expression on his face. It would be soft, and concerned, his gaze would be trying to reach inside of her mind and see what she was thinking, and also comfort her, whatever mood she was in. Sometimes it even asked for permission to do something…

"I missed you, Elizabeth…" he said quietly, reaching out and tucking her hair behind her ear. "Every day."

She wanted to move her head, to look at him, but at the same time she felt tears prickling her eyes. She didn't want him to see her cry, she wanted him to see her as strong, to know she could deal with this all on her own. She had spent the last year wishing he was there so she had someone to go to, yet now he was here she wanted to pull away – determined to prove her independence from him.

"Elizabeth?" his soft voice came again after there was no reaction from her.

She felt herself let go and the world before her became blurred with tears. "Me too…John I…"

Unable to finish her sentence she stopped, not entirely sure what she wanted to say and leaned into his chest. He turned and put his arms around her, resting his head on top of hers.

"I know," he whispered.

And she let a single tear fall down her cheek and roll onto his hand. It wasn't much but it was enough for him to lift his hand and look at it. After a few moments of staring at his hand he took her hand and lifted it to his cheek. She felt one small tear trickle onto her hand before he put her hand back down and used his to wipe his own eyes.

She stared at her hand and the small wet patch on it. He was crying, and he'd shown it to her, letting her in where no man ever did.

She felt like she should move, should suggest they move somewhere more private where they could remain so close without any interruptions, but before she even opened her mouth Ronon stumbled in.

A short 'oh' escaped his lips before he disappeared again, but it was enough for them to pull away from each other. But neither of them moved from the log, they sat there for a long time, in silence, just happy to enjoy the fact the other was there…


	9. Chapter 8

**

* * *

**

Chapter Eight

* * *

_3 Years After Initial Arrival on Atlantis_

"Get down!" the order came from Major Lorne as he stood by the gate.

Three darts flew through the wormhole before it closed. Elizabeth watched for a moment as her friends ran for cover in all directions. Convenient that there were always so many trees around the gate, she mused. But her moment of thinking was interrupted as Ronon grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into the trees.

"What the hell are you thinking? Standing out there like that?" he asked.

"I…guess I froze…" she replied.

"Well you can't," he said. "They need you."

She blinked a few times. She wasn't used to Ronon's bluntness, his roughness, but it sunk in that he was right. It had been a month since they'd last seen their home and most of that time she'd spent in some sort of daze, not doing a particularly good job of leading her people. But Ronon was right, she was their leader…she had to act like one.

"You're right, sorry," she replied. "I wasn't thinking…"

"Then next time think," he said, letting go of her angrily and looking back up at the sky to see if he could see anything. "I don't think we were their intended target…"

It took a moment for that comment to sink in. "We have to help whoever is then!"

"No…our first priority is self-preservation," Ronon muttered, turning around and searching through the trees for other expedition members.

Elizabeth frowned and then set off after him. "Says who?"

"Me," he replied, cutting away a large branch that was in his way with his sword.

"Ronon there could be children there…"

Ronon stopped and turned to face her. "Dr Weir, no offence, but you really suck at this whole survival thing."

Taken aback she opened her mouth to respond before closing it again. Perhaps he was right, they couldn't go out of their way to save everyone…that's what she'd once believed hadn't it been? And then she'd met John and somehow he'd changed that, his will to go back and save every last person no matter what the risk, had had an influence on her.

"Should I keep trying to save us or are you just going to shout at me again?" Ronon asked.

"I'll be quiet," she responded, following him through the woods.

The sounds of darts flying around above them came closer and finally they could hear the gate activating. Ronon moved towards the tree line again and Elizabeth followed him. Lorne, Cadman and Beckett were already crouched watching the Stargate as it closed.

Silence.

"They're gone," Lorne stated.

"I'll make sure," Ronon said, and before anyone could say anything else he was gone from the tree line and walking towards the gate.

After standing in the open for a few moments he shrugged and then walked up to the DHD. The rest of the crew appeared from all directions at the obvious sign from Ronon that he thought it was safe.

Just as he'd dialled the gate the familiar noise of a dart appeared above the woods behind them.

"Through the gate, NOW!" Elizabeth shouted.

After a few shocked glances at her, an obvious sign to her that they were no longer used to hearing her giving the orders, the scientists and technicians headed for the wormhole. Lorne and Ronon both pulled weapons and started firing, followed by Johnson, Christian and Cadman.

Elizabeth grabbed Heightmeyer and they both went for the gate. Just at that moment the dart passed right over them, sweeping up Heightmeyer and Johnson and narrowly missing Elizabeth and Christian.

"Shit," Ronon shouted, firing more angrily at the dart. "We have to get that thing on the ground, Elizabeth get through the god damn gate."

She was too shocked at what had just happened to notice him calling her by her first name. She ran through the gate as quickly as possible and stood on the other side, folding her arms and waiting.

It was another thirty seconds before Ronon, Christian, Lorne and Cadman reappeared and the wormhole disconnected. She met Ronon's eye and instantly knew they'd been sacrificed.

She nodded sharply and turned around, almost stalking away from the gate.

**

* * *

**

"I had no choice," Ronon repeated, his face void of emotion. "The dart disappeared, what was I supposed to do? Wait until it reappeared so it could grab the rest of us?"

"Well maybe you could have done something!" Elizabeth shouted at him. "Those were two good people out there Ronon, not just some things to be discarded of when their uses were served."

"We tried…it was a unanimous decision it was over. They're gone, deal with it."

"Damnit!" Elizabeth picked up the nearest cooking pan and threw it at the ground, attracting the attention of everyone in the cave. "That's not good enough!"

"Why? Because I won't do stupid things that kill other people to maybe save someone?" Ronon shouted back. "Because I'm not Sheppard?"

"I…" she stopped, her anger gone.

"Yeah…no one's good enough because no one's him," Ronon glared at her, then turned around and stormed out of the cave.

Elizabeth felt the eyes of everyone in the room fall back onto her as Ronon left. Her jaw was clenched and she was trying her hardest not to break down in front of them.

"Excuse me," she muttered as Carson came towards her, obviously to offer help.

She walked straight past him and out into the cold night air of the planet.

"Elizabeth!" someone called after her.

But she ignored them, she just walked. How dare Ronon say that, how dare he accuse her of never thinking anyone was good enough because no one was John. That wasn't how she judged people…other people were good enough…it was just an adjustment to her to have to deal with things in another way again…

She found a log and sat down on it.

Maybe Ronon was right.

She judged everybody by John's standards, not her own. Three years ago it would have been acceptable to her to give up, to leave someone behind, but now it just seemed so wrong. But things had changed, she knew herself she had to accept that.

They weren't living under the safety of a shield, there wasn't infinite supplies of ammunition and weapons. They had to be careful.

She reached down to her ankle and pulled her pant leg up, taking John's handgun out of the holster. The cold metal had once been unfamiliar to her, but now she had felt it pressing against her leg for so long that she barely noticed it.

She smiled slightly as she stared at the weapon.

"_Elizabeth I don't want you to kill anyone, I don't want you to regret it. Trust me; even if it's a Wraith it's going to have an effect on you."_

The look in his eyes as he'd left…

"_This is what I was trained to do, and if it means protecting Earth and saving you then it's what I'm going to do…"_

It was all she had left of him, the one part of him he'd given her before he'd left. Forever. She traced her finger over it…

"I never thought I'd see you holding a weapon, I hope you're not planning anything stupid," Ronon's voice cut through the cold of night.

Yet somehow she'd sensed him standing there and it didn't surprise her as he sat down next to her.

"It's John's," she stated.

"I figured," Ronon responded, looking straight ahead into the dark.

They both sat there in silence for a few moments before they both spoke at once.

"You're right," Elizabeth said.

At the same time Ronon came out with. "I was wrong…"

They both smiled slightly before Elizabeth turned and looked at him. "No, Ronon, you're right. I don't realise it but I learnt to get used to the way John commanded things and I'm not used to the way other people work. I'm not military…I'm still uncertainwhen it comes to these things. So I'm sorry."

"Me too," he said, then he held out hand and took the gun from her. "Do you know how to use it?"

"John showed me not long before the Wraith attack."

"How about this?" Ronon asked, handing her his pulse weapon.

She took it. "No…"

"Then I think you should learn…"

"Why?"

"Because you can't live on the run and not know how to properly use a weapon. Trust me," Ronon replied. "And you could use some basic survival training as well…"

"You're going to teach me?" Elizabeth asked.

Ronon shrugged. "If you want me to."

She thought about it for a moment before smiling at him. "That would be nice."

"Good," Ronon stood up. "Now first rule, stay together and work together."

She stood up, faced him and nodded.

"Then lets go back to the others," Ronon said, handing her back John's gun and taking his pulse weapon back.

* * *


	10. Chapter 9

**

* * *

**

Chapter Nine

* * *

_4 Years After Initial Arrival On Atlantis_

Ronon walked out of the cave feeling as though he'd just invaded and very private moment and even feeling slightly guilty for doing so. He'd wanted for so long for them to find each other and in the first moment they had alone he'd had to go and interrupt.

Not to mention Teyla had been avoiding him all evening, finding interest in everything else. He glanced sideways at the fireplace and the people still hanging around drinking far too much and laughing over nothing.

That wasn't where he belonged, he still felt as though he wasn't part of them, even after three years of being with them. The loneliness was something he'd grown accustomed to, but still him and Elizabeth had built up some sort of…well he didn't even know if he could call it a friendship…but they were both alone all the time and they'd somehow silently made a bond through their loneliness.

But now she hadJohn back she didn't need him, and he had Teyla back but she seemed less than interested. He probably had himself to blame for that. He kicked himself mentally for being so awkward when they'd first run into her, then suddenly he turned around to slam his fist into the tree behind him.

A hand caught his arm.

"That would not be wise…" Teyla informed him.

He felt his anger dissipate almost immediately as he looked into her eyes, his arm still held in position by her hand. "I wasn't trying to be wise."

"Then go ahead," she said, dropping her hand.

He let his arm fall with hers and caught her hand with his. She looked down at it and then back up at him, confused. "Ronon…?"

It was a question, asking him what was wrong, what he was doing…how he was doing. Everything at once, but instead of responded he just continued to stare at her. She hadn't changed – not like he'd seen the others change – she was still the same person he'd seen a year ago.

He felt as though he should let go of her hand, but he couldn't find the strength in him to pull away, he wanted to feel her skin against his, to know she was warm and she was alive and before him.

She still looked confused as he reached up and touched her face and as he did so her features softened and she looked directly at him again. He finally let go of her hand and reached his other hand up to her face, holding it as he moved closer to her.

"Ronon, you have been drinking…" Teyla reminded him.

"Barely," he whispered, his lips almost touching hers.

"Maybe you should wait until you are thinking clearly," she said, a slight edge of panic was present in her voice.

He looked her in the eye again. "Unless I haven't been thinking clearly for the last year I think my mind is pretty clear."

He leaned in to close the gapand she pulled back again, shaking her head. "Ronon, I can't."

He felt as though someone had just blown a hole through his stomach. "OK."

He let go and turned around, stalking towards the forest angrily, feeling the sudden urge to be alone. She didn't care about him. She'd probably prefer Sheppard. What made him so perfect? So much better than anyone else?Ronon almost snarled to himself as he broke from a fast walk into a run.

He should never have been so stupid to think Teyla would even be interested. Why would she be? Why would anyone care about Ronon Dex?

Finally he reached the clearing he knew Elizabeth always came to when she wanted to be alone and he took a seat on the log. He knew he should never have let his feelings control him like that, emotions were always in the way. They'd been in the way since his home planet was destroyed.

Maybe the Wraith had been right. Maybe he'd been better off as a Runner.

"Ronon…"

He clenched his jaw and refused to respond, staring blankly at the ground and knowing if he lost control of his emotions for even one second he would cry. He didn't want her to see him weak, then she'd like him even less.

He felt someone touch his shoulder and he jerked away. Teyla had obviously run after him and he definitely wasn't in the mood for talking to her.

She sat down next to him and he turned and looked the other way.

"Look at me."

He tightened his jaw and refused to respond. He could feel her watching him, waiting for some kind of sign that he would talk to her. But he wouldn't let her have that satisfaction.

**

* * *

**

She wasn't even sure what had come over her. She had wanted him to kiss her, yet her brain was screaming warnings at her – not now, not yet. Now he wouldn't even look at her let alone talk.

"Look at me."

Usually ordering him around worked, but even she could tell her heart wasn't in bossing him around. She wished she could go back five minutes earlier and stop herself from saying anything stupid.

"OK then…listen to me."

She half expected a response but none came. She breathed in deeply and look at the back of his head, could she really say it? Any of it? How much she'd missed him, how much she dreamed off seeing him again but never really expecting to do so, how much she'd wanted to kiss him every day since he last had…

"I am sorry…" she started and then paused, not sure how to continue. "I…"

He turned around suddenly and looked at her, his eyes dark and angry. "…don't care about me that way? That's OK I understand, why would you want someone like me when you've been living alone with Sheppard for a year."

"What?" Teyla's eyes widened. "No, Ronon, John and I are just friends…in fact…"

She paused again and took another deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment to compose her thoughts.

"…John is the only person who really knows how I feel about you."

"And what's that? That I'm some monster…well that's you and the rest of the universe apparently," his fists were clenched.

She reached forward and placed a hand on one of his fists. He flinched, but this time he didn't pull away.

"I care for you Ronon, in the same way it appears you care for me…but do you think this is really the time for such a relationship?"

He stared at her and in the moonlight she could have sworn his eyes became lighter, his anger disappearing almost instantly. Beneath her hand she felt him unclenching his fists, but still he barely moved. She could see him fighting with his own emotions, not knowing how to act, what to do.

"And you think we'll ever have a better time for one?" Ronon's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

But Teyla knew he was right. "No…"

"Well I'm not the one that needs convincing…so get back to me when you're thinking clearly," Ronon stood up and headed back towards the camp.

For a few moments Teyla considered running after him, but she knew now wasn't the time.

**

* * *

**

"Ow shit!" Lorne cursed loudly as he tripped over something in the entrance of the cave. "Dr Weir I demand we get the front door re-furnished…"

John raised an eyebrow and wondered exactly how drunk the Major was. From Elizabeth's smile he guessed she was wondering the same thing.

"I'll consider it," she replied.

"Good," Lorne said, sitting down where he was and staring happily at the fire.

"Re-furnished?" John whispered to Elizabeth, raising an eyebrow.

She shrugged, but continued smiling. People had been making their way inside and to bed for the last half hour having run out of alcohol to consume in celebration. But John noted Elizabeth hadn't even looked like she was considering moving yet.

After staring at the fire for a total of thirty seconds Lorne jumped up and made his way to his bed. "Good night," he managed before falling asleep almost before he lay down.

Elizabeth smirked and looked down at her silver mug. It had been empty for an hour now, but she was still holding it. John watched her. The dimming firelight reflected from her eyes, dancing there along withher thoughts and desires, something he'd always been able to read coming from her. As hewatched hedecided she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Her hair hung long and limp by her face, yet she still looked strong and able, everything about her was more perfect than he'd remembered...

"Let's go outside," she said quietly, nodding to all the people sleeping quietly in their own corners.

"I was thinking of sleeping actually," John replied quickly, afraid of being alone with her any longer.

She glanced at her watch out of habit. "Three in the afternoon Colorado Springs time, going to bed so early?"

She turned to face him and John was suddenly aware of exactly how close they were sitting. He closed his eyes for a moment and pulled back slightly, he couldn't do anything stupid right now that would be a bad idea.

"You think we'll ever find a way home?" John asked, opening his eyes again.

"I like to think so…" Elizabeth replied.

"Me too," he whispered. "I guess we just keep trying."

"I guess so…"

John stood up before their close quarters became too much for him to stand without doing or saying something stupid. "So, uh, where do you sleep?"

Elizabeth nodded to a small tunnel. "The next room."

Without further question John ducked his head and walked through the tunnel to the next 'room'. Elizabeth's 'bed' was in the corner, her few possessions laid out neatly next to it.

"Nice and private," he said.

Elizabeth smiled. "There's a lot of tunnels and caves in this mountain, most of the others sleep in the main cave because it's close to the fireplace and warmer, but some of us prefer privacy."

"So I guess I'll head back to the main cave…" John leaned forward, placing his hands on her arms and kissed her on the forehead.

As he pulled back she looked up to him. "Stay here."

"Elizabeth that won't look…"

"I don't care how it looks," she replied before he finished his sentence. "I know it's stupid but I don't want…"

She stopped her sentence but he knew what she was saying. She wanted him there so she could make sure he was still alive the next morning. He wanted the same but he was afraid of what might happen…scared of how powerful his emotions were.

"OK…" he whispered quietly.

He turned around and found a half-decent looking corner to sleep in, lay down and tried to make himself comfortable in a position where he could still see Elizabeth.

"Good night," she said.

"Good night," he replied.

And as she switched off the flashlight everything went really dark, the only light flickering through from the almost-dead fire in the main cave. John didn't close his eyes for a long time, content with watching Elizabeth. It wasn't soon after she fell asleep that he noticed the change in her expression, and when she started moving around violently he knew she was having a nightmare.

He stood up and walked over to her, there he kneeled down and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Elizabeth…" he whispered, not wanting to wake her up but wanting to calm her down.

She did, instantly, and grabbed for his hand, pulling him towards her in her sleep as though he was a teddy bear. He positioned himself on the edge of her 'bed' and put his arms around her, pulling her to him and she complied.

"I'm here," he whispered, then rested his head against hers and finally closed his eyes, falling asleep instantly.

* * *


	11. Chapter 10

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**

Chapter Ten

* * *

_3 Years After Initial Arrival On Atlantis_

Ronon couldn't help but admire how far the woman before him had come in the past month. She was stronger both physically and mentally and she'd improved so much he could barely believe how clumsy she had been only weeks earlier.

Of course she was still mildly clumsy, lacking the years of experience he and Teyla had in hand to hand combat, yet somehow she was still the most graceful thing he'd ever seen in action. He was completely fascinated by how she moved and how the fact that she wasn't a warrior gave her the ability to surprise Ronon with her attacks in a way that no properly trained warrior could.

Swing, parry.

He watched her spin and then duck as he swung a stick at her head. It had been two months since the destruction of Atlantis and he knew it was starting to settle into everyone that they were never going back, and that it was highly likely they'd never go back to Earth either. Ronon knew how they felt, and he sympathised, but at least they had each other.

For the most part.

There'd been a near scare the day before where Major Lorne hadn't come back with the rest of the team he set out with, but he'd arrived two hours later injured, but safe. Beckett had seen to him and it had been pushed to the back of everyone's minds. But it had been a reminder.

Ronon spun around to avoid Elizabeth's swing at him and blocked her second attack with his left hand as he came back around.

"Predictable," he muttered, but realised quickly she wasn't listening.

In fact she was fighting with a surprising amount of anger and aggression. Ronon lowered his sticks, worried.

"Weir?" he asked, then when she didn't reply, "Elizabeth?"

She hit him square in the chest before dropping both sticks and standing before him looking completely forlorn.

"You okay?" he asked, reaching forward and putting a hand on her shoulder.

She pulled away violently, and continued to stare blankly ahead. Ronon frowned in confusion and was about to ask again when she spoke.

"It's two months…" she whispered, lifting her eyes to look at Ronon's.

The pain he saw in her eyes cut through him like a knife, instantly he felt everything she was feeling. The loss of her friends, of her city, her home…but the loss of one person was killing her more than anything. Ronon hadn't realised until that moment exactly how much it was eating away at her insides, and he was instantly impressed with her ability to disguise her real feelings.

"You love him," Ronon said quietly.

"What? No! I…" Elizabeth looked away, confused.

Ronon was also confused. Why did these people find it necessary to hide their feelings? It was as though they feared being judged for emotions they had no control over. Fear could be controlled, aggression could be controlled…but not this. Not love, nor loss, and especially not the combination of them.

"OK…" he shrugged, but didn't move.

Elizabeth was still frowning in confusion when she looked up at him. "Do I?"

Ronon didn't respond, not knowing whether or not it was a rhetorical question or one she really wanted answered. He never understood her.

"Why did he die?" she asked after a few minutes, quiet but angry. "Why did I let him…"

Ronon almost saw her insides breaking into pieces before him, yet her exterior remained unchanged.

"We have to attack," she stated, raising her eyes to meet his.

Her coldness shot through him. "We're not in any kind of position to be attacking the Wraith."

"Well we can't just sit around and do nothing!" she shouted.

And suddenly Ronon understood her completely, and that scared him because what he saw wasn't what he'd assumed her to be like. But instead of running away he reached forward and placed his arms around her, pulling her against him.

She didn't hug him back, but he knew she appreciated it as she stood limply in his arms and stared blankly out into the night.

**

* * *

**

Elizabeth let Ronon hold her without complaint, she needed someone to be there, and still she found it difficult to connect to the others. Sometimes she thought she was close enough to Carson, but then she felt as though she had no right to run to him for comfort because he had Cadman.

Yet here Ronon was handing her exactly what she needed, a shoulder. Not to cry on, sometimes she felt as though she'd become so hardened she'd lost the ability to cry, but she needed someone she could trust with her emotions – and somehow she was finding that someone in an alien warrior.

She almost laughed at the irony, but could barely manage a smile let alone a laugh.

It was two months.

Pulling away from Ronon's arms she moved and sat down on 'her' log. Ronon stood awkwardly where she'd left him, obviously not sure whether she wanted company or to be alone.

"It's OK," she said.

He came and sat down next to her. She could see him in deep thought and suddenly realised how selfish she was being. She wasn't the only who'd lost anyone, and he'd lost everyone and everything on his planet before that.

"You OK?" she asked.

"No," he responded, then after a moment added. "Are you?"

She paused for a few seconds. "No, not really."

She sighed and continued watching Ronon with fascination. She had no idea what motivated this man, or how he thought, but she hsd recognised almost instantly that he was a good person. She knew they'd never been able to communicate while living on Atlantis, but she was starting to feel that barrier melting away under the pressure of isolation.

"Do you think there's any chance we'll see them again?" Elizabeth questioned.

"No," he replied instantly.

"Always the optimist, aren't you?" she responded sarcastically.

He shifted his position to look at her. "You know as well as I do they're gone."

"I try and keep hope…" Elizabeth admitted.

"And then it just hurts more when the truth sinks in," he said. "I saw that happen to you only a few minutes ago…you hide it well, but when you let the façade you've built up crack even slightly reality just hits you harder."

She searched his eyes for a long while. Ronon had said she was in love with John. Words she had never once been able to admit to herself, but the longer she let Ronon's accusation echo in her mind the more true it felt.

"How do you know when you love someone?" she asked after a long while.

He stared at her blankly for a moment. "You've never loved someone?"

"I…I thought I did…I think I did…but it was different," she shifted herself so she was facing Ronon in a more comfortable position. "We met at a dinner party and he asked me on a date and it just developed…but with…"

She broke off, suddenly unable to say the words out loud.

"With Sheppard," Ronon said for her.

She smiled slightly at her own stupidity. "…with him it was different. I didn't think we could get on, I figured, you know, he's military and everything I've always stood against. Yet somehow I couldn't dislike him, and that inability to dislike him turned into friendship, which then turned into something much deeper…but how can I tell the difference between a deep friendship and love?"

She spoke the last word as though it were part of a foreign language and she hated herself for it. Ronon considered it for a few moments.

"Does it hurt more to lose him than the others?"

The harsh reality of the question hit her before the answer to it did. She knew she shouldn't compare her friends in that way…yet somehow while Teyla and Rodney's loss's affected her deeply, it was John's that she always dwelled on.

She suddenly felt like a horrible person.

Closing her eyes she whispered quietly, "Yes."

"Then you just answered your own question," Ronon replied. "We should get back to the others…"

"I want some time alone," Elizabeth replied.

Ronon stood up and held out his pulse weapon. "Keep this just in case."

"Thank you," she said.

She took the weapon from him and he turned, disappearing into the dark of the forest, leaving her with the knowledge that she'd fallen in love and lost the opportunity to ever know what could have been…

And then for the first time in two months she cried.

* * *


	12. Chapter 11

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**

Chapter Eleven

* * *

_4 Years After Initial Arrival On Atlantis_

Elizabeth woke up and before even opening her eyes knew something was different. There was warm breath being blown on her face and someone's forehead pressed against hers, a hand lying lightly on her waist.

She opened her eyes slowly almost afraid that this was still part of her dream. Had they really come back?There had been so many mornings she'd woken up from a night of dreaming they were back and hoped that when she opened her eyes she would see him before her -but always found nothing but emptiness. Yet as the light met her vision she could make out John's body lying very close to hers.

A warmth seemed to grow from inside her and spread throughout her whole body instantly. John Sheppard was alive and he was lying next to her. She reached up and touched his face lightly before pulling her hand away, afraid to wake him.

"_You love him."_

Ronon's statement from almost a year earlier rung through her mind, and seeing him so close to her; his arm laying protectively on her – she knew Ronon was right. Fear suddenly struck her and she remembered that there were other people who were probably all wondering where the two of them had disappeared to…the rumours would have started hours ago…

She managed to slip away without disturbing him and stood up, looking down at him. She realised he had been sleeping without a blanket all night, so she picked up hers and lightly placed it over him before turning around and slipping out into the main cave.

Most of the people were still asleep, and Elizabeth realised her worries of rumours starting, besides being irrational, weren't so much a fear as an excuse to herself to run away.

She took a moment to amuse herself with the fact that Lorne was sprawled across the ground in what looked like an incredibly uncomfortable position before wandering out of the cave and into the sunshine. A blast of warmth hit her from the outside now as it had a few minutes earlier from the inside, making her feel happy. She felt lighter, yet there was still something heavy hanging inside of her, a ball of confusion waiting to explode.

She walked subconsciously through the woods towards the clearing where she had begun training all those months ago, and hardly surprised she found Ronon practicing his fighting skills with a tree.

"Worthy opponent?" she asked, pulling her sticks out of the log she stored them in and twirling them awkwardly, still not overly adept at it.

Ronon stopped and turned around to face her. "Not bad."

He smiled slightly before it disappeared quickly – leaving the confused expression he had been wearing while fighting the tree. Elizabeth frowned, sensing something was wrong.

"Want to talk about it?" she asked.

"No," he replied, twirling the stick in each hand, one after the other. "Did you want to fight or continue to force conversation?"

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow at him. "Force conversation…"

"I'm…fine…" Ronon clenched his jaw and stared blankly just over Elizabeth's shoulder, twirling the stick in his right hand faster and more aggressively. "If you're not going to fight I'm going back to my other opponent…"

Instead of replying Elizabeth launched an attack at him, he blocked it and returned the attack aimed at her legs, she jumped over it and swiped underneath where his sticks were, missing him by centimetres. They continued to attack, block and avoid until finally Ronon got the upper hand on Elizabeth and knocked her over.

She sat on the ground for a few moments, surprised that Ronon hadn't stopped himself before knocking her over, but he held out a hand and helped her back up instantly.

"Sorry…" he mumbled, dropping his sticks on the ground and sending a fist into the tree he'd been abusing earlier.

"Ronon!" Elizabeth said as he pulled his hand back and shook it loosely.

"Ow," he muttered to himself, ignoring her as she walked over.

She didn't ask questions, just stood and observed, and it didn't take her long to figure out the problem. She'd barely seen Ronon or Teyla at all the night before, not that she had been paying all that much attention to anyone, but it seemed to make sense that they'd been talking to each other.

"Teyla?" Elizabeth raised an eyebrow as she said it.

Ronon looked sideways at her, almost glaring. "What about her?"

"Is that what this is all about?" Elizabeth questioned.

"So what if it is? She doesn't care," Ronon looked as though he wanted to hit something again. "No one ever cares…"

"Ronon…I'm sure Teyla cares, it's just all a big overload of information at the moment, finding each other alive, being here…"

"Why don't you people just say what you really think?" Ronon looked directly into her eyes. "Have you told Sheppard you're in love with him?"

Elizabeth paused. "It's not that simple…"

"Yes it is."

"You can't just run into someone you haven't seen for a year, proclaim your undying love for them and then expect it all to just go back to normal. It doesn't work like that Ronon…" Elizabeth shouted.

His eyes narrowed slightly and he stood up straighter.

"You have no idea," Ronon said. "You can't wait for these things, because before you know it, that person is gone…and somehow you seem to have forgotten the lesson that was so real to you two days ago already. But you wait till it's happened to you twice…"

He looked away and clenched his jaw before looking back at her, the anger gone. He remained silent for a few moments, waiting for Elizabeth to say something, but instead he seemed to understand her silence as an open invitation to explain the comment further. She didn't want to sound intrusive yet she was curious as to what he was talking about, there was still so much to Ronon she would never understand and never know…

"It's not the first time this has happened to me…last time I did not see the woman I loved for almost two years, and then when we accidentally found each other, I said nothing and three days later she died in my arms…I won't let that happen again."

"I…" she closed her eyes briefly and looked at the ground. "I guess we still don't know each other as well as we'd like to think we do."

She smiled slightly but Ronon's face remained unchanged.

"I guess not," he said, stoically.

She nodded slightly and replaced her fighting sticks in their usual place, taking one last glance at Ronon who had turned back toward the tree, before heading back towards the camp.

**

* * *

**

Teyla stood watching from a great distance as Elizabeth walked back down towards the cave, leaving Ronon alone with the tree. She had no idea what they had been discussing but she got the feeling that at some point the conversation would have entered what had happened the night before. She walked slowly out into the clearing and towards him. He seemed to sense her and merely began hitting the tree harder.

"Ronon…" she said quietly.

He paid no attention to her. Instead of continuing to talk to him she grabbed Elizabeth's sticks from the place she'd seen her put them and walked towards Ronon. She intercepted one of the strikes at the tree and before either of them knew what was happening Teyla had managed to get herself between the tree and Ronon and they were fighting each other with more anger and aggression than either had been able to fight with anyone in over a year.

It took Teyla a good ten minutes to get the upper hand, relying more on Ronon's earlier exertion to tire him out faster, and eventually she managed to get him to the ground where she held the sticks against his chest as he lay there, her legs either side of his torso pinning him to the ground.

"Now will you listen to me?" she asked.

Ronon looked her directly in the eye, she could see the familiar defensive expression but there was curiosity in his eyes as well. She kept her eyes focused on his, staring right through him.

"I don't have much choice," Ronon replied.

"I…I am sorry for my behaviour last night," she said softly. "You were not the only one who had consumed alcohol and…"

"It's got nothing to do with the alcohol and you know it…"

For a long moment they just stared at each other before Teyla broke the moment and looked away, taking in a deep breath.

"I was scared," she whispered, raising her eyes to meet his again. "For so long we were not certain whether you were alive or dead and here you were…well and alive and trying to kiss me…it was all too much…"

Ronon did not reply immediately, instead he searched Teyla's face as though he was looking for something he couldn't quite identify.

"Do you love me?" he asked softly, in a tone Teyla had never heard him use before.

"What?" she asked, her grip with the sticks against his chest loosening enough for him to prop himself up on his elbows and then sit up properly, his hands meeting Teyla's and pulling the fighting sticks away from her, throwing them on the ground next to him.

"Do you love me?" he looked directly into her eyes as he asked and she knew instantly the answer.

"Yes…" she whispered quietly.

"Then why hide behind the lies?" Ronon questioned, honest confusion in his eyes.

"Because I am afraid…" Teyla admitted, tilting her head to one side.

Ronon lifted a hand up and straightened her head, then placed a hand on her other cheek and held them there. "OK…"

And then he kissed her, Teyla was surprised for only a moment before leaning into the kiss. It was softer than the last time he had kissed her and she knew his feelings had deepened for her since that night. He leaned back into the grass and pulled her down with him, making sure her lips never left his…

**

* * *

**

Rodney sat in front of the Stargate, staring blankly at it.

He'd woken up in the cave, with a slight headache, and suddenly felt like he had to get away from it all. It was strange, being with these people he'd assumed he'd never see again in his life and early, or not so early, in the day it was too much for him to deal with.

So somehow he'd found his way to the gate and was sitting in front of it, trying to figure out why Radek's attempts at rigging the gate to dial Earth – although still ignoring the lack of a ZPM – were unsuccessful.

After a few minutes though he'd realised that his mind wasn't really on the subject, but kept wandering back to Earth itself and wondering if they'd ever see it again. If Atlantis was really gone…

He hadn't realised how much he enjoyed living on Atlantis until it was gone, and how much it had become his home. He realised now he missed Atlantis and the people on it much more than he ever had Earth.

Earth wasn't home, but it was better than nowhere.

"It is gone…"

Rodney looked around to see Radek smiling sadly and standing next to him. He sat down on the grass next to Rodney and stared at the Stargate.

"I wasn't thinking about Atlantis, I was thinking of ways to rig the DHD to dial Earth without the right…"

"Rodney, I am not stupid," Radek replied. "We all wish we could go back…"

Rodney paused for a second. "Has anyone actually tried dialling back there?"

"Recently? No…but we all know that…"

Before he could even finish his sentence Rodney was up and dialling the DHD. Radek jumped up off the ground and stood next to him.

"It is not going to work," Radek muttered.

But Rodney was determined to go home and as he pressed the centre button and watched as the gate dialled he heard Radek suck in his breath and wait in curiosity.

The last chevron didn't engage.

They both let out their breath loudly and turned back around, leaning against the DHD.

Radek opened his mouth and Rodney held a finger up.

"Don't…say it…" he said.

"You know I was right…"

"It was worth a try," Rodney said, crossing his arms in front of him. "So how do we get this thing to connect back to Earth?"

"We keep trying," Radek replied.

Suddenly Rodney stood up straighter, clicking his fingers. "I got it!"

Radek turned and looked at him. "Got what?"

"Don't interrupt my thought patterns," Rodney said. "Get me whatever equipment you have to pull this thing apart…"

Radek nodded, then turned and ran back towards the cave.

* * *


	13. Chapter 12

**

* * *

**

Chapter Twelve

* * *

Elizabeth watched carefully as Ronon and Teyla entered the camp that evening. She hadn't seen either of them all day. Ronon seemed happier and a smile between them before they separated and Ronon came to sit next to her gave it away.

"Interesting," Elizabeth sat as he sat down next to her.

He looked at her and smiled slightly. "What?"

"Looks like you had a good day," she replied.

Ronon looked at the ground, scratching the back of his head before looking up at her and smiling again. This time uncontrollably.

"Yeah, yeah I did," he said, turning to look at the fireplace. "So you talked to Sheppard yet?"

"You know if I didn't know better I'd say you were a hopeless romantic," Elizabeth responded, trying to avoid the question.

"Yeah well, don't tell anyone…"

At this moment Radek came running down the hill into the camp, Elizabeth stood up, afraid that there was some kind of attack or something. Instead she realised he looked incredibly excited.

"We've done it we did it!" he exclaimed before turning around and running back the direction he'd come, then pausing and turning back around. "Come with me!"

Ronon stood up slowly next to Elizabeth. "Er, do we follow him?"

"I guess so…" she replied.

Lorne and Cadman were already making their way up the path after Radek, John appeared out of the cave and raised an eyebrow at her. She smiled slightly to herself, she hadn't seen him since that morning, not because they were avoiding each other but because she had spent the whole day walking around alone thinking.

"Apparently Radek's done it…" Elizabeth shrugged.

"Ok…" John replied, then smiled. "Well let's go see what he's on about."

The three of them headed down the path after the others. Rodney and Radek stood before the DHD grinning.

"Tada…" Rodney said.

Ronon raised an eyebrow in curiosity. "It's a DHD…"

"It's a DHD that when now connected to a ZPM will dial back to Earth…" Rodney stated.

Elizabeth smiled slightly, hope filling her for just a moment before fading away again. "But Rodney we don't have a ZPM…"

He held up a finger and then let it fall. "No…no we don't…"

"Then we'll just have to find one," John spoke up.

Everyone turned and looked at him. Elizabeth knew they were all apprehensive about that, even when they'd had all the weapons and ships and technology they hadn't been able to procure enough ZPM's to save themselves.

How would they do it now?

"Where?" Lorne was the first one to ask.

John shot a look at Rodney who raised both eyebrows before turning crossing his arms and turning to face the crowd properly. Elizabeth watched the exchange with curiosity, they both knew something they weren't sharing.

"Ford," Rodney said simply.

"Lieutenant Ford has a ZPM?" Elizabeth asked.

"No, I didn't say that…but he knows where to get one. About seven or eight months ago we ran into him on some planet…"

John cut him off. "He was badly injured and had lost a lot of his guys in an attempt to retrieve a ZPM they'd found the location of. What they needed it for we never found out, but the thing is, they know where one is."

"And if we can find him, we can know where one is…" Rodney finished.

"And we can go home," Elizabeth stated the obvious.

"And we can go home," Rodney nodded.

**

* * *

**

Ronon felt almost sad as he listened to them talking excitedly about ZPM's and Earth. Sure they'd be able to go home, he was happy for them, but somehow he felt like he didn't belong there. Not that he'd ever been to Earth, but from what he'd heard he doubted he'd be able to live there.

He watched as Teyla and Carson made their way towards the gathering of people around the DHD, he smiled slightly at Teyla but he was sure the smile didn't reach his eyes.

And he saw her immediately recognising it.

"What are we missing here?" Carson asked.

"Rodney and Radek rigged the DHD so we're able to dial Earth, now we just need a ZPM," Cadman replied.

Teyla met Ronon's eyes again, suddenly understanding. He knew she felt the same. These people were not her own, she couldn't live on their world – yet even though the Athosians were still alive he knew she could no longer live with them.

Suddenly he felt like they were both very isolated from the group. He watched the gaggle of people chatting away excitedly - planning, hoping - and he stepped back slowly from the group. Teyla made her way over to him.

"You do not wish to go with them," she stated.

"Neither do you," he responded, still watching the crowd.

"I have seen their planet…it is…different," she replied.

Ronon shrugged. "We don't belong there…"

"We would be safe from the Wraith," Teyla said cautiously.

"And who fights for this galaxy?"

She was silent, staring ahead as he turned to look at her.

"That's what I thought," he replied.

She reached across and nudged his hand with hers before weaving her fingers between his. He appreciated the sentiment behind it and squeezed her hand lightly, especially appreciating the fact that they stood close enough that no one would even notice their joined hands.

**

* * *

**

Elizabeth looked up at the sound of John entering her area of the cave, he smiled at her.

"Just came to say goodnight," he said.

She smiled slightly. "We might be going home…"

"Don't get your hopes up yet," he replied.

"Hope is all we ever have…" she whispered, looking up at his eyes which were focused on the ground. "It's all I had until now and if it can bring me you it can bring us home…"

His eyes shot up to meet hers and she felt her insides squirm with emotions. So much was unspoken between them that it almost hurt. It had been just over a day since they'd met up again and yet somehow it felt like they had never been apart.

"I'm gonna…" he pointed back to the main cave. "Goodnight…"

He turned to leave and she felt her heart clench, almost worried she wouldn't see him again. She closed her eyes slowly, knowing it was stupid, she'd spent most of the day away from him and he'd still be there when she woke up the next morning no matter where he slept. But slight panic seemed to take over.

"John…" she said, opening her eyes and looking at him bend over to duck through the 'doorway'.

He paused and turned to look at her.

"You don't have to…" she finished.

"Elizabeth…"

The emotion in his voice struck a chord somewhere in her heart. Again Ronon's statement about her feelings for John echoed through her mind and she wondered if she should say anything, yet as he walked towards her she felt as though somehow words couldn't express how she felt.

Suddenly she was confused, wondering what she really wanted. She looked away, trying to concentrate on dusting the dirt off her boots.

"Has Ronon ever talked about Teyla to you?" John asked, sitting down next to her.

Elizabeth turned and looked at him in curiously. "Maybe…"

"She talked about him a lot," John stated, untying his boots slowly and placing them next to each other in front of him.

Elizabeth wondered what John was hinting at. Maybe he just felt like discussing Ronon and Teyla, or maybe he was unlocking a door of conversation in hope she'd open it for him.

"We used to sit out under the stars and discuss…our feelings…not for each other," he added hastily.

Elizabeth smiled slightly at John's awkwardness and decided to let him continue making an idiot out of himself for longer.

"I'm glad you're here," he said finally, turning and meeting her eyes.

She felt compelled to reach out and touch his face, lightly running her thumb across his cheek and finally across his lips, her eyes never leaving his. His lips felt soft under the now-rough skin on her hand.

"Me too," she whispered, and as she watched his eyes drop to glance at her lips for a moment she felt fear take over.

They were too close. Alarm bells were ringing in her head and she wanted to pull away, she wanted to run and not be anywhere near him…yet at the same time she could barely manage to breath she was so frozen in the moment.

"John…" she said even quieter than before.

His eyes rose to meet hers again.

"What are we?" she asked.

"I don't know," he replied honestly.

She let her hand drop from his face and looked down at their hands lying so close to each other yet barely touching.

"What are we going to be?" she continued.

There was silence as the question hung between them like a tight string ready to snap.

"We should sleep," Elizabeth said, the fear still eating away at her.

John nodded slightly, and she could read confusion in his eyes, when he spoke he sounded uncertain. "We have a lot to do tomorrow…"

Neither of them moved, Elizabeth wasn't sure if it was out of fear or something else, but neither of them seemed compelled to turn around and go to sleep. She watched as John reached up and pushed her hair back behind her ears one side at a time.

"You're more beautiful than I remember," he said quietly.

Suddenly all words were caught in her throat and she actually forgot to breath. She had never in her life imagined those words coming out of John Sheppard's mouth talking about her. And then his hands were no longer on her face and he was crouching next to her sleeping area, pulling back her blanket.

"We should sleep," he repeated her earlier words.

And it was only then that she was able to see that he was as afraid as she was.

"Ok…" she whispered, crawling under the blanket and smiling slightly as he placed it over her.

She half expected him to go back to the other corner of the small cave like he had to start with the night before, but instead it took only a few moments before he had his arm wrapped around her, his warm body pressed against hers.

She snuffed out the candle next to her with her fingers, but her eyes didn't close, her mind far too awake with the knowledge that John thought she was beautiful. It wasn't until she heard his breathing pattern change and felt his protective arm going limp around her that she even bothered to try sleeping.


	14. Chapter 13

**

* * *

**

Chapter Thirteen

* * *

Ronon awoke alone the next morning. Teyla had fallen asleep, not in his arms, but lying next to him – yet somehow he hadn't expected her to be there when he woke up. He lay there for a few moments before sitting up and looking around the cave. Rodney was still fast asleep in one corner, but everyone else was gone.

He guessed Rodney hadn't gone to sleep particularly early the night before.

Ronon stood up and wandered out of the cave, it was sunny and warm, the perfect day to do something. Although the 'something' that was planned wasn't exactly the most relaxing of things to do…and it involved travelling to another planet so he doubted it would be sunny and warm in both locations.

"Good morning," John appeared next to him, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Morning," Ronon replied. "Where is everyone?"

"I sent Lorne, Cadman and Beckett out to get supplies and Zelenka is still hovering around the DHD grinning like an idiot…haven't seen Rodney…"

"He's still sleeping."

"Ah, that would explain it…"

They both fell silent.

"Do you know where to find Ford?" Ronon asked after a few minutes.

"Not directly, but we know where to find the information about where to find Ford," John stated.

"OK."

Silence.

"Your death really hurt her," Ronon stated after a few moments, not entirely sure why he did so.

"I didn't die," John countered, neither of them turning to look at the other.

"To her you did…she tried to hide it, and she managed to for the most part. But a couple of times when we were alone she let it out – either in anger or sorrow…she won't tell you that, but I think you should know."

John was silent for a long time before he spoke.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," Ronon replied.

"Teyla is waiting by the gate, we should go," John said, making his way down the path towards the gate before Ronon could say anything else to stop him in his tracks.

Ronon smiled slightly to himself, he knew he hadn't told John anything he didn't already know – but he had the feeling that it never really sank in until someone told you the truth bluntly.

When he finally reached the gate he found Elizabeth there along with Teyla and Zelenka.

"John, I'm coming…" she was saying as Ronon walked up.

He raised both his eyebrows as he met Teyla's eyes and she did the same in return. John grabbed Elizabeth's arm lightly.

"It's not safe," he replied.

"You think anything we do is safe?" she said through gritted teeth. "I don't need you to protect me, John, I can use a weapon and I've been without you around to save me for the last year…"

"Elizabeth…" he said quietly.

Ronon watched their eyes meet and could swear he almost saw the sparks flying between them, both types.

"She can protect herself," Ronon spoke up quietly.

John turned to look at him and Ronon nodded slowly, an instant understanding passing between them. They would both look out for her as much as possible, at least if she was with them they knew where she was.

"OK, fine," John said, looking back to Elizabeth and letting go of her arm. "But stick with me, Ford might be their leader but these men are no good."

He returned to the DHD and dialled the address he seemed to know off-by-heart.

**

* * *

**

Elizabeth took in a deep breath as she stepped through the gate. Now was not a good time to be angry at John. She knew he cared but that was no excuse for him to not include her in a mission of this importance. Maybe that was just what he was used to, or maybe he was just being protective, but either way it was irritating.

A year ago it would have seemed normal to her to be the one left behind, yet now she went to other worlds as frequently as the others. She glanced at John as he marched ahead, leading them towards wherever it was they were going to find Ford's men.

Ronon walked next to her as if he were silently telling her not to worry about it.

"Thank you," she said, not entirely sure what she was thanking him for.

He shrugged slightly. "No problem."

The four of them walked in silence towards a small village. Elizabeth didn't take long to notice the looks Teyla and Ronon kept giving each other when they thought the other wasn't paying attention. She guessed they were walking apart on purpose to try and hide something, not that either she or John minded what kind of relationship Ronon and Teyla had.

"OK Teyla, you and Ronon keep watch, we're going to find Derek," John said.

Teyla nodded and the both of them stopped outside the door of a building, John pushed the door open and Elizabeth followed. She wondered why John was being so paranoid about it all, not wanting her to come, leaving Teyla and Ronon to guard the door, not letting too many people come with them…

"John what's so dangerous about these people?" Elizabeth asked.

John sighed and stopped to face her, the two of them alone in the corridor. "They've been on the enzyme for such a long time that they're completely addicted, and I mean it's really messed with their heads. They don't think straight at all and they switch moods incredibly fast…and don't trust anything they say."

"But they've always been like that John…" Elizabeth said in confusion.

John sighed and looked at her for a few moments. "They took Teyla and they hurt her badly, it was only because Ford found them and stopped them that…"

He didn't finished the sentence but Elizabeth got the idea. For a moment she wondered why noneof them had mentioned it earlier – before she remembered they'd only been back two days, even though it felt like much longer.

"OK," Elizabeth said.

John nodded and they both turned, walking down to the end of the corridor where John pushed open the door and revealed a small bar with a few tables. The moment they entered the guy seemed to recognise John.

"Get out," he said instantly.

"Not until you tell me where to find Ford," John said, closing the door behind him and Elizabeth didn't miss that he stood in front of her.

"He doesn't wanna see you," the man said.

"Derek, we need to see him…"

"No."

The man stepped out from behind the bar and glanced at the couple of guests in the corner.

"Get out," he repeated more angrily.

It was then that Elizabeth knew what she had to do…

**

* * *

**

John watched as she pulled the hand gun from her ankle in an instant and had it raised at the frightened-looking man's head. He creased his forehead, and in an instant took in all the information. Elizabeth was standing before him, a gun in her hand, pointing it at a human in a threatening manor.

And he'd given it to her.

"Elizabeth," he said, touching her arm lightly.

"John," she snapped back, an obvious 'shut up' without the words being spoken, then she turned her attention back on Derek. "Where's Lieutenant Ford?"

Derek looked at John for help. His hand still on Elizabeth's arm, he grabbed her wrist and twisted the gun away from her. She turned to glare at him and it was times like these he was glad she didn't have the ability to kill with her eyes…

Because he would've been a dead man.

"Elizabeth…can I talk to you please?"

She glared at Derek again before walking out of the room in anger, refusing to look John in the eye. John sent Derek a look telling him he wasn't going anywhere farand then followed her into the hallway, grabbing her by the shoulder.

"What were you thinking?" he asked.

"I was thinking there's no way he's giving us any information unless he's under some kind of pressure," Elizabeth responded, glaring at him directly in the eyes again.

John searched her eyes for some look of hesitance, of apology, but he only saw the hard cold stare he was sure a thousand diplomats had broken under. Undeterred by the glare he'd seen her use on so many other people he creased his forehead slightly in confusion.

"What happened to diplomacy? Negotiating?"

"It doesn't always work that way, John, you told me that years ago," she responded.

"I didnt mean for you to start negotiating through the barrel of a gun…"

The realisation dawned on him. This was his fault. He'd given her the gun, he'd given her the lessons, and now she was using them. He hadn't expected her to _use _what he'd taught her, it was supposed to be entirely for self defence.

"Well I'm sorry to disappoint you," she almost spat at him, and then she did something that surprised him even more.

Shaking his hand from her shoulder she ducked beneath his arm and grabbed his pulse weapon, flicking the switch to stun she stood to his side.

"Is this better? Or is stun still too violent for you?"

He stared at her in disbelief. This wasn't right…he hadn't taught her to dodge shoulders or use a pulse weapon.

"Where...?" he asked.

"Ronon," was all she needed to say.

But John paid little attention to her response, as she stood before him dressed in almost-rags, long hair hanging on her shoulders and a pulse weapon clasped in her hands, he conjured up the image of her in the grey uniform pants and red t-shirt, her smile full of hope and her hair bouncing lively around her face, never even considering taking up a weapon and pointing it to a Wraith let alone a human.

"You're not the Elizabeth Weir I fell in love with," he found himself saying.

Her expression softened slightly but only for a moment, it was quickly replaced with the angry mask from a few moments earlier.

"Oh, because I don't need you to protect me anymore? That's what this is about isn't it? Protecting me?"

She was shouting but John could see her heart wasn't in it, her mind distracted.

"Yes!" John shouted back at her, then lowered his voice again. "I'm protecting you from becoming me, Elizabeth I don't want you to be me you're worth more than that. You don't deserve the pain I've been through, you don't need see what I've seen…"

"Then maybe you should have been there when I did," she choked on her words, then turned around and walked back into the room, pulse weapon set on stun.

He watched her leave, confused about everything, about her, about when he'd fallen in love with her and when he'd decided to tell her…

All of a sudden it felt as though someone had punched a huge whole through his chest.


	15. Chapter 14

**

* * *

**

Chapter Fourteen

* * *

_2 Years After Initial Arrival On Atlantis_

Elizabeth looked up as John walked right across her office and sat down on the couch on the opposite wall.

"Make yourself comfortable," she muttered, smiling slightly and looking back down at her paperwork.

"Was just going to sit here and pretend like I didn't exist until you finished all your work," John replied, smiling innocently.

"Well then you better make yourself really comfortable, I might be a while," Elizabeth responded without looking at him.

She could picture him perfectly in her mind, so she didn't really have a need to look. She knew he was there to check up on her, their latest battle fought and won in the not-so-distant past meant that her safety was still high on his list of priorities. Sometimes she wondered what that meant but she pushed it aside as a John Sheppard loyalty thing.

"OK bored already," he said, standing up and walking over to her desk, placing both his hands in the centre of it and leaning over.

Elizabeth didn't look at him but was unable to hide the amused smile that had managed to find its way to her lips.

"Elizabeth…in all seriousness I have to talk to you about something…" John said quietly.

Instantly she picked up the change in his mood and wondered if the cheeriness was covering up the reason why he'd really come. She looked up at him and leant back in her chair, crossing her arms and raising an eyebrow.

"OK, talk away," she replied.

John studied her for a few moments before taking in a deep breath and sitting down on the chair opposite her. "You need to learn how to fire a weapon…"

"No," she replied instantly.

Part of her was shocked that he was suggesting it and part of her was surprised he hadn't tried this earlier. But she couldn't do it; she couldn't pick up a gun and shoot it, not even at a lifeless target hung from the roof.

"Elizabeth it's for your own safety…trust me I wouldn't ask you to do this but…"

"It's against everything I've ever stood for," she replied, leaning forward and resting her folded arms against the table in front of her.

"And asking you to do this was no easy decision, but I don't want you to get hurt because you refuse to fire a weapon…I'm not asking you to deliberately attack anyone or anything, I just want you to know how to use it…for self defence," he looked her directly in the eye as he leaned forward to match her position. "Please."

She searched his eyes for a few moments. He wasn't asking this as a military commander, he was asking it as a friend, as someone who cared what happened to her.

"OK," Elizabeth said, breathing in deeply.

John nodded slightly. There was no celebration in his expression, he didn't want to do this, but he knew it was the right thing. Elizabeth stood up and shut her laptop off.

"Let's go now," she said.

He looked at her in surprise before standing up. "OK…?"

"Before I change my mind," she answered his question before he asked it.

They both headed towards the shooting range in silence. No one was down there when they got there. John prepared everything for her while Elizabeth stood and watched him in silence, her arms folded across her chest.

"OK…"he said after what seemed like forever. "You ready?"

She nodded slightly and walked towards him. He placed the earmuffs over her head and then slipped protective glasses over her face. She felt his hands brush against her face as he did so, and for a moment she wondered if it was on purpose or if he didn't even notice. She knew she shouldn't feel the slight rush of enjoyment at feeling his hands against her skin, but she did.

Instantly she pushed away the feelings, focusing on the task lying before her.

Then his hands were gone and he was holding out a gun before her. Elizabeth stared at it for a few moments before taking it from him. The metal was so cold, so hard: she'd never touched a gun before.

She ran her hand over the metal and after only a few moments of fascination by it felt John's hand touch hers as he wrapped his right arm around her. Soon his left hand joined hers on the weapon and he was pressed against her, both his arms surrounding her.

She closed her eyes for a moment, half relishing the fact he was so close to her and half chastising herself for enjoying it so much.

"You hold it like this," he said quietly, his voice vibrating against her right ear.

Her eyes flew open to she could see what exactly he was doing as he wrapped her fingers around the right spots.

"Got it?"

His voice was so close she was completely distracted by it. "Yes," she managed to whisper.

"Pull the trigger."

She did so, closing her eyes as she did it and only hitting the target at all because John's hands were still wrapped around hers.

"OK…it's a start," he said.

A few more rounds and she was getting better. Suddenly she looked up at the target and the image of a person flashed into her mind, her aiming a gun at a person and shooting it. She felt sick, both her hands dropped to her side and the gun, no longer supporter by John's hands, clattered to the ground.

"Elizabeth?" John asked, sounding concerned.

He grabbed her shoulder and turned her around.

"Hey, we can stop…" he said.

Elizabeth shook her head a few times and then opened her eyes. "I'm OK…"

Her eyes met his and she saw the concern. "No you're not…I'm sorry I should never have…"

"It's OK…really John, you were just trying to do the right thing…" she wasn't entirely sure what had come over her but she was suddenly aware that she was shaking, angrily she pulled off her glasses and earmuffs.

"I'm sorry," he said, pulling her in for a hug and holding her, leaning his head against hers.

She wrapped her arms around him and leaned against his body. Somewhere deep down inside she felt hugging him was wrong, but she had no idea what was so wrong about it. There were no rules against hugging your friend…

Or maybe it was because he was more than that.

She pulled back at the sudden realisation and looked him in the eyes. He seemed confused for a moment but then became content with searching her eyes, looking for something. Her eyes dropped to his lips as he subconsciouslylickedthem, a habit she knew he'd developed a year or so earlier, but for some reason at this time it was incredibly distracting.

Her eyes shot back up to his as she suddenly became aware that he would notice her staring at his lips. But it was too late, he'd noticed, and his eyes flickered to hers for much too long a period. And then he was leaning forward slightly.

She wasn't sure what he was doing, what she was doing as she felt herself leaning towards him. This wasn't right, this…they weren't supposed to be like this. He was her friend, her good friend, but nothing more. They were the leaders of the city, they couldn't…

"John…" she whispered, looking away.

"It's OK," he said quietly, reaching up and moving her head back to face his before leaning his forehead against hers.

She didn't understand, what did he want? What did she want? When had either of them wanted any of this? At that moment their radios both crackled to life.

"Dr Weir, Colonel Sheppard, Dr McKay thinks there is an emergency in one of the science labs…I doubt that is the case but you had better come just in case," Radek's voice said.

Neither of them moved for a very long moment, content with their foreheads leaning against each other. Elizabeth didn't want to lose the touch of his hands lightly on her arms, or his skin pressed against hers, his breath blowing onto her face. She wanted to freeze time and stay in this moment forever.

A moment she knew she'd most likely never have back.

"Dr Weir? Colonel Sheppard?" Radek repeated.

Elizabeth sighed and pulled away, pressing the button the button to talk. "We're on our way, Doctor."

Not even looking John in the eye Elizabeth turned and headed out of the room, unable to face what had almost happened between them and instead choosing to shove it to the back of her mind.

As though nothing had ever happened…

* * *


	16. Chapter 15

**

* * *

**

Chapter Fifteen

* * *

_4 Years After Initial Arrival On Atlantis_

Elizabeth stormed back into the bar, just as angry as she had been when John had demanded to speak with her, but now with the added confusion of the conversation just past.

"_You're not the Elizabeth Weir I fell in love with."_

What the hell was she supposed to say to that? How the hell was she supposed to react? Inside she felt as though someone had ripped away a part of her and left a huge gaping hole that was slowly eating its way through her.

Then suddenly she felt empty; all emotion had seemed to leave her at once.

Maybe that was the best way of dealing with it.

"Where's Ford?" she repeated, raising the stun weapon and pointing it at Derek.

"Look he doesn't want to see any of you because of what happened…" Derek said. "He feels guilty and he's embarrassed…none of the men who were part of it are with him anymore but he still feels as though it's his fault…"

Elizabeth frowned for a moment, this must be what John had been saying about them taking Teyla. At that moment John stepped forward, completely ignoring Elizabeth and nodding slightly.

"We understand that Derek, but this is really important…"

Derek looked at them both for a few moments and finally Elizabeth lowered the weapon, sensing the hostility in the situation dying down. She saw John look at her and could've sworn, out of the corner of her eye, that he smiled slightly, but she refused to look at him, refused to react to him in any positive way.

If she wasn't the Elizabeth Weir he fell in love with it obviously didn't matter.

The sentence had said so many different things, and she wondered if he intended any of it to mean what she took it as. Had she really changed that much that she was a completely different person? Had her year of willing him to come back all been for nothing? If she wasn't the same Elizabeth he fell in love with, did he still love her?

Somehow she felt as though the last question was the one really on her mind. He had loved her and she'd changed so much he didn't even recognise enough of her to still care…

She glanced over at the man next to her. He had barely changed, and it made her wonder what he'd been through before she'd met him to make him who he was today. Obviously it had been enough that living a year on the run had barely had an affect on his personality at all.

She frowned slightly and turned back to Derek, suddenly realising he was writing down a gate address and handing it to John.

"Thanks, Derek…we really appreciate it…" John said, then turned and left the room.

He said nothing to Elizabeth.

She ignored Derek and walked after John, staying a few footsteps behind him as to avoid conversation. Teyla and Ronon were right where they'd left them, and instantly she saw Ronon recognise the tension between her and John. Neither of them said anything but Ronon looked between them a few times and as they headed for the gate he hung back with her.

He said nothing but she understood.

If she wanted to talk he was there.

She wasn't entirely sure where she was walking anymore, just following the other, and for the first time in over a year John's gun wasn't strapped around her ankle.

Somehow that felt as empty as the hole in her chest.

**

* * *

**

Ronon noticed the instant they walked out of the building that something had changed. They'd gone in walking side by side and they'd come out meters apart, and if that wasn't enough it seemed as though they were carrying each other's weapons and he knew them well enough to know that neither of them were particularly happy with the other at that moment in time.

His eyes darted to Elizabeth, worried that she would be OK. He wanted so much for her to be happy, and he knew that John would make her happy – but he also knew how easy it was to be hurt by someone you cared about too much.

"Got it," John mumbled as he walked past them and headed towards the gate.

Teyla turned to look at Ronon and raised both eyebrows. He shrugged slightly and hung back as she followed John. He wanted to ask Elizabeth if she was OK, but he knew it was safer not to say anything. Instead he walked beside her, knowing she would understand.

He could see her breaking slowly into pieces as they walked towards the gate and it hurt him to watch her like that, she deserved more. Suddenly he was angry at John for whatever he'd done to her to make her like this…he had thought John understood.

He took notice of how soon they'd slipped back into the groups they'd been living in for the past year and for the first time it struck him the kind of effect it had had on them. He was used to it, it was the way he'd always lived even before he became a runner, constantly moving and with different groups of people – and then he'd been alone and doing the same.

John was the same – the year had barely changed him…but in the 'civilians' as they called themselves he'd noticed the greatest difference. He'd watched them change over time, Carson, Radek, Rodney when he'd come back…

But it was the change in Elizabeth that was the most noticeable.

They reached the gate and stepped through back to 'their' planet. Ronon didn't miss the sad, confused look that John sent in Elizabeth's direction before taking off towards the cave and again he wondered what had happened.

Elizabeth took off for the clearing and he turned to Teyla.

"Well…that was interesting…" he muttered.

"You should go after her," Teyla said.

"I know," he replied.

"I will talk to John…" she sighed, turning and heading down the path towards the cave.

Ronon frowned and set off through the trees for the clearing. It didn't take him long to find her, sitting alone on a log in the middle of the large clearing she looked torn apart. Her eyes were dry and as he walked towards her she looked up at him.

He was struck by how empty the look in her eyes was, a look he hadn't seen since she'd lost John.

"You OK?" Ronon asked and instantly regretted it.

He knew the answer to that question.

She shook her head slightly before looking down at the ground. Ronon sat down next to her, not entirely sure what he should do.

"You…wanna talk about it?" he cringed at his own words; they sounded so harsh and loud in the quiet of the clearing.

"He loved me," she whispered.

Ronon frowned, not sure how to respond.

"No…not me…whoever I was before," she whispered, then changed her voice obviously trying to imitate John. " 'You're not the Elizabeth Weir I fell in love with…' "

_Shit_.

Ronon was going to kill him.

He found himself putting an arm around her and pulling her towards him. She leant against him willingly and he found himself wondering when they had become so close.

Why was John making everything so difficult? It was all supposed to work out once he'd come back…yet everything had just gotten so much worse. Ronon found himself stroking Elizabeth's hair without thinking, trying to comfort.

He wondered if they had met under different circumstances if they would have ever become anything even closely resembling friends and he doubted it. If she had been a diplomate on Sateda he would have had little respect for her and he was sure that had he been part of the military on Earth she would have had the same little respect for him.

It had always fascinated him how Atlantis had brought together so many people to form friendships that would otherwise have never existed – and somehow sadly it was the destruction of the city that had brought their friendship into existence.

"Where did I go wrong?" she said after a few minutes.

"Living like this…it changes us," Ronon said.

She pulled away and looked at him for a few moments. "Why'd it have to change me?"

And in trying to find the answer the truth came to him. He started at her for a few moments, trying to find the words.

"Losing him changed you…"

"And in return I lost him because I changed…" she choked on her words and held her fist up to her mouth as though that would prevent her from letting go of the tears she was fighting to hard to hold back.

Ronon was frozen in front of her, he didn't know what else he could possibly do to help her. It was so difficult not to just barge out of the clearing and hit John as hard as he could, hopefully knocking some kind of sense into him.

**

* * *

**

Elizabeth felt as though her brain had turned to mush, she couldn't think and everything that came out of her mouth made her sound like a blubbering idiot. Yet somehow Ronon was still sitting next to her, looking concerned.

"I just want him to be there…" she whispered. "But he's disgusted by me, he doesn't even want to look at me…"

"Then it's his loss," Ronon said quietly.

Elizabeth looked up at his eyes, searching them for a few moments. They were a lighter colour than she'd ever noticed, not the dark brown she always expected to see, but a paler almost-hazel colour. He frowned slightly and reached up to wipe a lone tear from her cheek.

"Do you want me to talk to him? Maybe he didn't mean it…" Ronon was saying.

But Elizabeth wasn't listening anymore, she was lost in his eyes and in the surprisingly soft touch of his thumb on her cheek. Ronon had been there for her all along, never expecting anything back from her, only looking out for her, teaching her what he thought necessary for her survival but not forcing her do anything she refused.

"Elizabeth?" he asked, frowning more.

"Why don't I love you?" she asked quietly.

"What?" Ronon looked rather taken aback.

Suddenly she realised what she'd said and pulled away, standing up and walking away from him. "Oh my God…Ronon I'm sorry I…"

"It's OK," he cut her off, somehow he was already standing in front of her, his hands on her shoulders to prevent her from running away from him.

And then he hugged her.

**

* * *

**

John never made it back to the cave, he'd run into Rodney part-way there, shoved the gate address into his hand and then stormed off in the only direction he knew no one would find him. It took him two minutes to figure out Teyla was following him closely, he figured there was little he could do about that – but also knew she would wait until he stopped before approaching him.

He was angry. At Ronon. At Elizabeth. But mostly at himself.

He'd started this, he'd handed her the gun and told her it would be OK, he'd given her the gun she'd finally pointed at someone and he'd told Ronon to look after her.

All stupid mistakes.

And then he'd opened his mouth.

Why on Earth had he said that? Had he meant it? He couldn't even remember deciding he loved her and yet here he was having told her he didn't love her anymore. It definitely ranked right at the top of his ten most stupid moments.

"John!"

He stopped abruptly at Teyla's voice, only then noticing he was standing precariously close to the edge of a cliff, so preoccupied by his own thoughts that he'd forgotten to take notice that the trees ended and there was a drop before him that looked out over the ocean he'd not even had the time to notice.

Teyla was at his side instantly. "You should watch where you are walking…"

"Yeah, well, I had other things on my mind…" he muttered, turning back around and putting some safe ground between him and the cliff's edge.

"Did you wish to talk about it?"

He didn't respond, not entirely sure how he wanted to. Instead he bent down and picked up a stone off the ground. He turned it over in his hand a few times before putting all his energy into throwing the thing out over the ocean.

"What do you want me to do?" he screamed out over it.

Teyla seemed slightly taken aback by his anger, she frowned slightly and reached out to touch his arm. He jerked it away and picked up another stone, throwing it after the first one.

"Why can't it just go back to the way it was…?"

He wasn't shouting anymore, somehow the anger leaving him, sadness taking over. He walked to the edge of the cliff and sat down. He was quite aware of how dangerous his position was, but a part of him couldn't care less.

"I hate the Wraith…" he whispered, angrily. "She should never have come to this galaxy."

Teyla frowned as she squatted next to him. He was sure she had no idea where his thought patterns were coming from but he didn't particularly feel like sharing them.

"Had she not you two would never have been so close…" Teyla reminded him.

"I would give up every day I've had with her for her to be unbroken," John whispered. "This place has destroyed everything she stood for…"

"And she let it willingly."

"Only because I convinced her…" John turned and looked at Teyla. "This is my fault."

Absently he pulled the hand gun from his belt where he'd stuck it and looked down at it.

"She carried this everywhere…" John said quietly, then slowly his voice became louder as he grew angrier. "Elizabeth carried this everywhere because of me…"

"Yes, John, she did…but not because you taught her to use it – but because it was yours," Teyla reached over and touched his hand lightly. "Major Lorne informed me she has not let it leave her side since the day we lost Atlantis."

John frowned and looked at the gun. It was strange the meaning an object could have when looked at from a different point of view.

Then he flung it out over the ocean in the single flick of his hand, watching it fall to the crushing waves beneath them.

Teyla frowned as she watched it fall, she didn't understand.

"Goodbye," he said quietly, standing up and heading back towards the others, his sadness having in an instant turned to anger.

**

* * *

**

Ronon watched as Elizabeth entered the cave and sat down beside Rodney, Radek and Lorne, instantly beginning to discuss their plans to reach Ford. He felt little like involving himself in that discussing, having little interest in ever seeing the Lieutenant again. Maybe it was because he'd only ever met him since he'd become addicted to the Wraith enzyme, but he had little respect for the young man.

He sat down on a rock and pulled out one of his knives, beginning to carve something out of a chunk of wood he found at his foot. It had been a long time since he'd created anything, but he felt as though Elizabeth needed something to cheer her up.

"You…"

He looked up to see John standing in front of him. Instantly he was up and had John slammed against the rock walls at the entrance to the cave, his arm pressed against his neck.

"What the hell did you do to her?" Ronon almost growled.

John somehow managed to push away Ronon's arm, only to be met at the throat by a knife. "What the hell did _you_ do to her? That woman is not Elizabeth Weir, she's some soldier you've turned her into!"

"You told me to take care of her and I did that in the only way that was possible in the situation…" Ronon pressed the knife closer to John's throat.

John kicked him in the shin. It barely hurt him but it was enough to make him flinch for a moment long enough for John to twist the knife out of his grip, but not before Ronon pulled another from his belt, it reaching John's neck the same time John managed to get his knife at Ronon's neck.

"You made her into me!" John shouted. "She deserves better…"

"That's pretty rich coming from the person who just broke her heart," Ronon shot back.

John narrowed his eyes. "That's got nothing to do with you…"

"Oh yeah? Well neither does how different she is …she only changed after she lost you and you know it…"

"John…Ronon…"

They were both suddenly aware of Elizabeth by their side, Lorne and Rodney not far behind her.

"Both of you drop the knives…"

Ronon continued to return John's glare, ignoring their new audience. The man didn't understand. People changed, but no matter what had happened for some reason she still had feelings for him and by saying things like what he had he cut her deeply.

"Please…" Elizabeth said quietly.

One last sneer at John and Ronon threw his knife at the ground next to him. John let his arm drop to his side and the knife clatter to the ground.

"Fine," Ronon said, turning and walking into the cave.

"Elizabeth, please just…"

Ronon turned to watch for a moment as John reached out for her and she pulled away, shaking her head slightly and turning to walk back into the cave, Rodney and Lorne both glaring at John before following her.

It was only then that he realised maybe they were all, just a little bit, in love with her in some way or other…even those whose hearts lay elsewhere.

* * *


	17. Chapter 16

**

* * *

**

Chapter Sixteen

* * *

For the first night since their reunion Elizabeth lay alone in her makeshift bed. She felt as though her section of the cave was completely empty – and all over again she felt as though she'd lost the thing she cared about most.

She knew it had to be getting close to daylight yet she couldn't bring herself to close her eyes and fall asleep, the pain eating away in her chest was too much for her to concentrate on relaxing enough to do so.

Eventually she stood up and made her way quietly out of the cave, not even glancing at the people sleeping on the ground. She just needed to be outside; it was too warm in the cave, too empty, yet too crowded.

"Elizabeth…"

She froze in her spot, not wanting to turn around because she knew who she would find standing there. Why was it him? Why couldn't it be anyone else who had been drawn to this spot at this time?

"John I don't…"

He took her shoulder and turned her around.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

And when she looked up into his eyes she could see he meant it.

"That's not enough," she whispered, pulling away.

He caught her arm again as she did so, swinging her back around to face him.

"Let go," she was surprised how she sounded less angry than she had in her head, instead hearing a tone of sorrow ringing through her voice. "Please John…just…let go…"

"I won't do that," he replied. "I won't let you walk away…just…listen to me."

She glared at him but remained quiet. After a few moments she felt his grip slacken slightly and managed to pull her arm away from him, but she didn't leave. She was determined not to let him win, she couldn't give in to those puppy-dog eyes that had allowed him to get away with everything he wanted the whole time they had lived on Atlantis.

"Damn it, John…" she said subconsciously, looking away.

"I should never have said what I did…" John reached over and touched her shoulder.

She jerked away, looking at him coldly. "No, you shouldn't have. But you knew that when you said it…"

"And I'm sorry."

"I told you that isn't enough."

She held his stare for a few more moments before breaking it and walking past him, lightly brushing his shoulder as she did so. She made it only a few steps before he spoke.

"I never said I didn't love you now," he almost whispered, not turning around.

She stopped in her tracks.

"Do you know why I never said that?"

"Why?" she whispered, unsure if he even heard her.

**

* * *

**

He stared blankly ahead, blinking back the tears as they formed slowly in his eyes. He didn't find it easy admitting things, especially when it came to his feelings. But this was important, he'd screwed up and this could possibly be his last chance to make things right.

Slowly he turned around, seeing Elizabeth standing there, completely frozen facing the other direction. She seemed so small and fragile, he wanted to reach out and comfort her but he knew that was against the rules until he fixed what he'd caused.

Slowly he stepped towards her, every step seeming to take a minute for him to take, but finally he was standing as close as he could without touching her.

"Because it would've been a lie…" he whispered.

Obviously his words were loud enough because she jumped as he spoke. Slowly she turned around, her eyes closed.

"Elizabeth, you have no idea how sorry I am…" he reached forward but she pulled away from him, her eyes snapping open.

"Then don't _ever_ say anything like that again," she stated, turning around and walking away from him before his brain could even register what she'd said.

He considered calling after her but he knew there was no point. She wouldn't stop, and she wouldn't listen to him.

"Damnit!" he said loudly, kicking the nearest rock on the ground angrily and instantly regretting it as the pain shot through his foot.

He turned and looked back in the direction she'd stormed off, willing her to come back to him but knowing she wouldn't.

This was all his fault.

**

* * *

**

"Wakey wakey, McKay," Laura smiled as she spoke.

Carson watched in amusement as she prodded Rodney with a stick, attempting to wake him up. They'd quickly learnt that simply shaking him was a bad idea as it usually resulted in someone being hit hard in the face by a half asleep flying arm aimed at whoever the culprit for interrupting his sleep was.

As usual the arm flung out and hit the stick, hard. Rodney sat up quickly.

"OW! What was that for?" he mumbled.

"We have a mission to go on…" Laura said.

"We're going to find that ZPM so we can go home, remember? Real food, hot chicks, Outer Limits DVD's…" Lorne smirked as he threw a vest in Rodney's direction.

"Now how would you know about my DVD's?" Rodney looked confused.

"You're just predictable," Lorne picked up his weapon and stood up. "Where's Sheppard?"

Carson looked at Laura and she shrugged as she picked up her own weapon.

"I haven't seen him," Carson replied.

"He left early in the morning," Zelenka piped up, nodding towards the entrance of the cave. "Elizabeth left three minutes after him."

"Ha, even when they're not talking they're psychically linked," Rodney muttered, throwing his blanket sideways. "Has anyone seen my sock?"

He held up one dirty piece of fabric that vaguely resembled a sock. Carson screwed up his nose. "I think I'd prefer it if no one ever saw one of your socks again, Rodney."

"Funny," he muttered, continuing to search through the pile of stuff he'd built up in only the few short days he'd been there; finally he smiled triumphantly and held up a second sock. "Ah huh…"

At that moment Ronon walked into the cave. "Are you all ready?"

Lorne, Laura and Carson nodded.

"I will be when I find my shoes…" Rodney replied, not looking up.

Carson was sure he saw Ronon roll his eyes and smiled slightly in amusement at the typical exchange. He glanced at Laura; she looked back at him but didn't smile. He frowned in question and she shrugged slightly. They'd discuss whatever it was later.

"Sheppard, Elizabeth and Teyla are at the gate, we're ready to go," he said.

"I haven't eaten!" Rodney said.

Again Ronon rolled his eyes, then turned around and left the cave.

"Fine," Rodney pulled his second shoe on and walked out of the cave.

Carson bent down and picked up his weapon off the ground. As he stood back up Laura's hand was suddenly on top of his.

"You're not going," she said.

"I bloody well am," Carson responded.

"No, you're not," she said, pulling the gun from his hands and then letting it clatter to the ground.

Carson noted Zelenka was still in the corner trying not to look at them, but his eyes flickered their way at the loud noise.

"Please, Carson, it's not safe…"

"Our lives aren't bloody safe, Laura, I am not letting you go out there alone," Carson said, reaching forward and lightly touching her face.

"And I'm not letting you go at all," she said. "You weren't born to be a soldier, Carson, you're a doctor…someone needs to be here to help people if they come back injured."

"So you're saying I'm more useful back here doing nothing than out there in the field?"

"Yes," she whispered. "That's exactly what I'm saying."

Carson remained silent for a few moments, searching Laura's eyes and seeing that she truly did not want him to go.

"You had better bloody come back…you hear me?" he said. "If you don't come back I'm coming out there myself to get you."

"I promise," she said, leaning forward and kissing him lightly. "And you better damn well be here when I get back."

With that she turned around to leave, Carson grabbed her arm as she did so. "Laura…"

She frowned slightly. "Carson I have to go."

"Will you marry me?"

She looked of surprise that read clearly on her expression he was sure was mirrored in his own. That was not what he had expected to come out of his mouth at that moment, and while he'd considered it for a while it seemed so futile and pointless out there on the run.

"What?" Laura asked incredulously.

"You know what I said," he replied, trying to sound strong but hearing his own voice shaking with nervousness.

She searched his eyes for a few moments and then smiled widely. "Yes…of course! It's about time you asked."

"Oh thank God," Carson said, grabbing her and hugging her, then he pulled away and smiled. "You scared me for a moment I thought you were going to say no…"

"I thought you'd never ask!"

"Cadman!" Lorne called from outside the cave.

"I have to go…" Laura said quietly. "But I'll be back as soon as possible."

And watching her leave through the cave entrance Carson felt an overwhelming sense of joy sweep over him, even though he was watching his friends go off to battle. He turned and caught Zelenka's eye as the Czech scientist stood up and grinned.

"Congratulations!" he said, running over and hugging him.

Carson was taken aback for a moment, but then hugged his friend back. "I'm getting married!"

Everything felt right.


	18. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen**

Teyla found herself back at the cliff edge, staring out over the ocean. She wasn't sure what had drawn her there, maybe it was because the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks below somehow reminded her of Atlantis, or maybe it was because she wanted to see some beauty in the sunrise, beauty that seemed to be lacking in her life at that moment.

The one thing she was certain of was that Ronon had followed her from the moment she awoke. And she had let him.

"I know you are there," Teyla said after a few minutes.

"I figured as much," Ronon replied, sitting down next to her and staring out over the ocean. "I had no idea this was here."

"I only discovered it the other day while following John," Teyla replied. "He came here because he was confused, it seemed to clear something up for him, I thought I might try it."

Ronon looked over at her. "Confused about what?"

Teyla sighed slightly, shrugging to avoid answering and readjusting her position so she was facing him.

"You OK?" he reached out and touched her lightly on the hand.

"It is just…" she looked out at the ocean. "Last time we saw Aiden it did not go well…"

Ronon didn't say anything, but took her hand in his lightly, adjusting his position so he also faced her. Teyla found herself wiping away tears with her other hand, hoping Ronon didn't notice them. If he did he said nothing.

"The others, his men, they took me…they were…" she broke off the sentence.

She hadn't discussed this since it had happened.

"What?" Ronon's grip tightened slightly around her hand and she sensed him getting angry. "Teyla, what did they do?"

She looked him in the eyes. "They tried to rape me, Aiden stopped them just before anything happened. I do not even understand why they did it…"

She expected some kind of angry response, a typical 'I'll kill them' or even him standing up and marching to the gate to do just that without speaking, but instead he took her in his arms and held her against him, rubbing her back lightly in circles.

"You should stay here," he said after a few minutes.

"They need all the help they can get," she reminded him, pulling away and looking him in the eyes. "But thank you."

"I won't let it happen again," he said seriously.

"Ronon, I will be fine…" she said, telling herself as much as him.

"OK," Ronon replied, pulling her against him once more and holding her as they watched the sun rising over the ocean.

**"""**

Ronon watched as Elizabeth stood alone by the DHD. Something had changed since the night before, but she wasn't any happier, somehow she just seemed more confused. John stood by the gate, talking to Teyla and they were soon joined by Lorne.

Ronon walked over towards Elizabeth and she looked up, even managing to smile slightly.

"You OK?" he asked.

"Just nervous," she said, knowing that his question wasn't in anyway connected to the mission they were about to go on.

"You don't have to come," Ronon reminded her.

"I know," she narrowed her eyes slightly. "But I want to. This is our chance to go home…"

"Your chance to go home," Ronon muttered.

She blinked and looked up at him. "Ronon…you and Teyla are as welcome to come back with us as anyone…"

Ronon shrugged. "What do we have there?"

"We have a chance to fight the Wraith…"

"From another galaxy?"

"With whatever Earth can spare…" Elizabeth replied. "I promise."

Ronon nodded, but he wasn't convinced. "OK."

"Rodney, dial the gate," John said as Laura finally joined them.

Ronon turned and looked at the team. There were only seven of them, he surely hoped that whatever this highly guarded facility Ford knew about that had a ZPM wasn't as highly guarded as its reputation suggested.

"Where's Carson?" Rodney asked, looking at Laura.

"He's staying here," Laura responded.

Ronon glanced at them.

"What do you mean he's staying here?" Rodney didn't look happy.

"I mean he's not coming," Laura responded, not looking him in the eye.

"Dial the gate, Rodney," John ordered.

Rodney glared at Laura before turning around and dialling the address written on the piece of paper in his hands. Ronon sensed that this was going to be a really long day…

**"""**

Laura glanced back at the cave a few times, somewhere in the pit of her stomach she still had that feeling of absolute dread that had caused her to make Carson stay behind in the first place. Maybe that was the wrong decision, maybe he'd be safer if he went with them? Or maybe she just had a general bad feeling about this whole mission.

She tried to shake it off and ignored Rodney's icy stare as she stepped through the event horizon to the other side. It wasn't like they didn't have enough tension between everyone, the last thing she needed was to deal with Rodney being cranky over her not letting her boyfriend…actually…fiancé…join them.

As they reached the other side they were thrust into instant darkness.

"Typical," Rodney muttered as he came through behind her.

"Can't you be quiet just for one minute?" Laura snapped at him, suddenly aware that the bad feeling in the pit of her stomach was taking over completely and almost apologised.

_Almost._

"No, I can't, can't you stop bossing people around just for one minute?" he shot back.

"I didn't boss Carson around, Rodney," she turned and glared at him in the darkness. "I just didn't particularly feel like letting my fiancé, who I might add is a doctor not a military man, through the gate on what could possibly be a suicide mission…"

Everyone stopped and looked at her.

"Your fiancé?" John finally broke the silence.

"Well you could've said something," Rodney muttered.

"When did that happen?" Lorne asked, and even in the dark she could see a large grin on his face.

"Not that it's any of your business…but about five minutes ago," Laura couldn't help but smile slightly.

She looked at Elizabeth as she said it, expecting her to be the happiest of everyone, but she couldn't help noticing the slight glance in John's direction and the look of hurt that flickered briefly across her face before she hid it again.

"So shall we go?" she suggested, wanting to change the subject before any other arguments broke out.

Now she noticed John watching Elizabeth as she fiddled with her weapon. She could see he disapproved and suddenly the tension between them made just a slight bit more sense. No one knew exactly what had happened offworld between them but she knew that when they'd gotten back they weren't talking and next thing she knew John and Ronon were holding knives at each other's throats and arguing about who's fault everything was.

Glancing at Ronon she could see he was watching John, ready to protect Elizabeth if he even tried to talk to her, Teyla at his side ready to stop him in case he did anything stupid.

"Talk about tension…" Lorne muttered next to her.

"I swear, if we split up we better be just you, me and Rodney because I don't particularly want to be stuck with any of them," Laura muttered.

"You'd rather be stuck with Rodney?" Laura glared at him and he grinned. "Must be bad."

"It's bad, trust me," Laura said, smiling back at him. "I don't volunteer to work with Rodney often."

"I heard that," Rodney muttered from a few meters away.

Lorne shrugged as Laura grinned mischievously. She began to walk towards Rodney.

"Oh hey Cadman…" Lorne called after her.

She turned and looked at him. "Yes?"

"Who proposed?"

"Him," Laura smiled slightly again, the knots in her stomach beginning to fade.

"And here I was thinking that was the man's job," Lorne commented, knowing he could get away with it.

"Funny," she glared at him then turned to John. "So we sticking together for now?"

"Yeah, until we get closer to the base, then I want you three to set up a perimeter," he pointed to Laura, Lorne and Ronon, "and the rest of us will go inside."

That was fair, it was Ford they were dealing with for now.

**"""**

_Engaged_? Laura and Carson were engaged…and she couldn't even manage a conversation with John? Why did she feel like if they weren't stuck together alone with only a small group of people in another galaxy that they'd probably never speak again?

Maybe they still wouldn't.

Overwhelming sorrow suddenly overcame her as she followed John down the path towards Ford's base. What had she done? She should've forgiven him when she had the chance, instead she'd chosen to make sure he knew exactly how much he'd hurt her and now he might never give her that chance again. She wanted to reach forward and grab him and tell him she was sorry, that she forgave him, to beg him to forgive her.

But this wasn't exactly the best time for that.

John stopped abruptly and held up a hand. "We're here…"

Before them was a small hut. Lorne, Laura and Ronon all spread out to cover the area and make sure it was safe and John signalled for the rest of them to follow him. Just before they exited the tree line John stopped and grabbed Teyla by the arm.

"Are you OK with this?" he asked her quietly.

She nodded slightly. "I do not believe Aiden is still in the company of any of those who took me…"

"And if he is?"

"Then I do not know him anymore," she whispered.

Elizabeth frowned, confused as to what exactly had happened between them the last time they had met with Ford, but she squashed her curiosity, in time she would discover the truth.

John nodded and they walked out into the clearing in front of the small base. Two men stood at the door and when they spotted the four of them approaching they signalled for them to stop.

"We're here to see Ford," John stated.

One of them men glanced at Teyla, seeming to recognise them all of a sudden.

"Come with me," he said, muttering something to the other guard as they passed him.

As they walked through the door John looked over at Elizabeth, for a few moments she tried to pretend she didn't notice but then her eyes were drawn to his. They were pleading forgiveness and for a moment Elizabeth though she felt the ghost of a smile on her lips, trying to show him he was forgiven, but then she recollected herself and looked away.

"Lt Colonel Sheppard!" the familiar voice rung through the room as they entered. "And Dr Weir?"

He looked surprised to see her, but Ford smiled as he walked towards them.

"You found each other," he said, sounding genuinely happy for them.

"And we found a way to get home," John interrupted before he could say anything else. "We just need a ZPM…"

Ford's eyes instantly flicked to John's face. "No way."

"We need it Aiden, they want to go home…" Teyla said.

He paused as Teyla spoke then looked away. "Look, it's dangerous and I don't want to see any of you get hurt, not again…" his eyes met Teyla's as he spoke and then looked back to John.

"You can come with us…" John offered.

Elizabeth knew that wasn't going to work, but she was entirely sure John did as well.

"My life is here," Ford replied, then he sighed. "But if this really means that much to you, I'll give you the coordinates…"

"Thank you," Elizabeth spoke up for the first time.

Ford smiled genuinely at her. This was the first time she had seen him since his disappearance from Atlantis. "It's good to see you all again."

**"""**

Teyla wasn't comfortable with this. Aiden may have once been a good friend to her, but that had been years earlier, and the last time she had seen him he was rescuing her from people he had considered friends…

She noted that he had looked at her only once throughout the whole conversation, choosing to speak only to John, Elizabeth and Rodney. As he wrote down the gate address on a piece of paper Rodney had managed to find somewhere on him she even considered walking over and telling him it was OK.

She didn't blame him…

He turned and handed the paper back to Rodney. "There…"

"Thanks," Rodney replied.

"I'm coming with you," he continued.

All eyes in the room went straight to him.

"What? I thought you didn't want to come back to Earth?" Rodney said immediately.

"I don't…" he said. "But you could use me, and…I want you to get back to Earth."

"Well it's your decision," John said. "But if you're coming lets go…"

As they walked towards the exit Aiden grabbed Teyla's arm lightly. She jumped slightly, only then noticing how on-edge her nerves were being back in the company of him.

"Are you OK?" he asked.

Teyla nodded slightly. "It was not your fault…"

"Yes it was, I should have been watching them better…I should have done something sooner," he was sincere.

"It is fine, Aiden, it is in the past…" she smiled slightly and he seemed to accept that.

"I just wanted to make sure…you know…everything was OK," he let go of her arm.

"It is," she responded.

Although she had a funny feeling Ronon's reaction to Aiden would not be a good one…


	19. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen**

John watched Ronon carefully as Ford and Teyla walked out of the building together, he saw him tense but also didn't miss the look Teyla sent him. A warning. No words were spoken between the two of them but as Ford walked past Ronon he pulled a facial expression that vaguely resembled a snarl, one that went entirely unnoticed by Teyla but not by Ford.

Ford didn't respond.

"Interesting, isn't it? Almost like watching a pack of wolves…" Rodney muttered from his side.

"Almost," John replied, not really paying much attention to him.

"It's even almost more interesting than watching you and Elizabeth pretending the other doesn't exist," he continued.

John chose not to acknowledge the remark, but did however glance at Elizabeth walking silently by Ronon's side. He wanted to make it better, but he knew she wanted nothing to do with him. He sighed slightly and shifted his focus to the trees surrounding them.

"When we get back to Earth I'm going to move somewhere that looks less like Canada and more like California," he concluded. "Every one of these planets looks exactly the same…"

"Well clearly the Ancients, or whoever terraformed these planets, knew that Canada was the best place to model them on," Rodney concluded.

John rolled his eyes. "Pity they don't all play ice hockey then…"

"Not everyone in Canada follows hockey."

"You do."

"Says who?"

"Radek."

"Well it's clearly superior to that…thing…you Americans call football…" Rodney muttered, seeming to get a irritated by the subject.

"You only say that because your country plays an edited version of the best sport on Earth," John said.

"Yes, its called hockey," Rodney smiled, seeming pretty happy with himself.

"Sorry McKay, I'm with Sheppard on this one," Lorne commented, appearing on Rodney's other side.

"Thank you," John cocked his head to one side and smiled triumphantly at Rodney. "Two against one, we win."

"Oh that's not fair…" Rodney grumbled.

"It's not, eh?" Lorne grinned.

"Oh yes everyone mock the Canadian," Rodney muttered, speeding up and making sure he wasn't walking between John and Lorne anymore.

"What you're not going to apologise, McKay?" Lorne called after him. "You're not a very good representation of your country!"

He turned and grinned at John who grinned back. Rodney chose to ignore both of them.

"Now ganging up on Rodney, there's something I missed doing the last year," Lorne seemed happy.

It took the gate appearing in the clearing as they entered it to remind John where he really was. They weren't just on an assignment, and they weren't in a Canadian forest or any other Earth forest for that matter – they were stuck in another galaxy, living in fear, hiding from the Wraith and about to attempt to find a ZPM to get home.

As reality set in he glanced at Elizabeth, only to find her already looking his way.

She didn't smile her face remained calm, and it was a few seconds before she looked away. He felt then as though there was hope, maybe she wouldn't stay mad at him forever.

**

* * *

**

Elizabeth looked away from him as soon as she realised she was still staring at him. She wasn't angry anymore, but she was hurt and every time she caught his eye or heard him speak it was as though someone was stabbing her with a knife.

Although the knife got duller with each stab…

She wanted to forgive him, she wanted to be close to him again, just to talk to him, even as a friend…but she was confused. Everything seemed so confusing and she felt so lost, unable to sort out anything resembling a coherent string of thoughts in her mind.

She sighed and let her eyes drift to where Ronon was hanging very closely by Teyla's side as she stood next to Ford as he dialled the address of wherever they were going.

"You OK?"

Elizabeth looked to her right in surprise that someone was talking to her. Laura stood there, smiling reassuringly.

"No, not really," Elizabeth replied honestly. "But hopefully after this mission things will start to look up again…"

Laura lost her smile and frowned slightly. "You know we might not all make it out of this alive."

"I know," Elizabeth said, but Laura's words echoed loudly in her mind.

They were about to go into something that could well turn out to be a battle and some of them could die. She could lose John. Again.

Except if things stayed like this not only would they not have a goodbye…they wouldn't even have spoken properly to each other for over a day.

"Don't let things end this way," Laura voiced what they were both thinking, before turning around and walking over to Lorne, directing him away from John.

Elizabeth walked over and stood next to him, but she couldn't bring herself to say anything, just watch as the wormhole engage and Ford stepped towards the gate.

"When we get to the other side we should be safe, the base is a good twenty miles from the gate so there shouldn't be any problems with guards or anything unless they are in the process of going somewhere," Ford announced. "So be careful but it should be OK…"

Then he turned and stepped through the gate, no weapon in hand. Ronon and Teyla were right behind him, followed by Lorne and Cadman and then McKay. John turned and looked at Elizabeth.

"You don't have to do this," he reminded her.

She looked at him and spoke quietly. "Yes I do…"

She could see the emotions tearing away at him inside, bit by bit, and him trying to control them. Then he half-smiled and shrugged.

"Ok…" was all he managed before he placed his hand lightly on her arm and guided her through the gate to join the others.

**

* * *

**

"Stop pacing," Radek muttered, glancing at the sun setting outside the cave.

"I'm sorry, I can't help it," Carson said, sitting down to stop himself walking around in circles anymore.

He was worried. More than worried – he had a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach, the good feeling he'd had earlier had worn off not long after the others had stepped through the gate and since then he'd begun to understand the real meaning of the words 'worried sick'.

"I should have gone with them," he muttered. "What if there's a medical emergency…"

Radek sighed and looked at him. "They will be fine…"

"Don't tell me you really believe that," Carson shot back at him, wincing as he said it.

"No…but I can try," Radek replied. "Maybe you should too…"

Carson sighed and picked up a rock from the ground in front of him, desperately trying to distract himself from thinking about the others.

Suddenly a loud screeching noise rung through the air from outside the cave. They both glanced at each other in alarm before running out of the cave to meet Kisunagi who was standing on the other side staring up at the sky.

They both turned and looked at her for an explanation. Before she'd even said anything Carson knew exactly what the matter was.

"Wraith…" she whispered.

Suddenly Carson understood the horrible feeling in his gut, everything wasn't going to go right, everything was going to get a whole lot worse before it got any better.

"Crap," he said quietly. "Get back in the cave…"

Radek and Kisunagi both turned to re-enter the cave but Carson didn't go with them. Without saying anything he ducked under the cover of the trees and ran for the gate, a weapon nicely concealed at his waist.


	20. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen**

****

* * *

****

As they arrived on the other side of the gate the reality of what they were doing sunk in. Elizabeth felt her insides clenching with worry as she acknowledged that this could be her last few hours alive, that it could be his last few hours alive, and she refused to spend them like this.

She stood back as he made his way over to the main group gathered at the foot of the gate.

"OK we're going to wait here for the cover of darkness before we head towards the base, this is going to be hard enough without the added danger of daylight. The sun looks like it's on it's way down. Lorne, Cadman, you take first watch," he pointed to either side of the clearing.

John moved away from the group and Ford fell into step next to him, they begun to talk quietly and Elizabeth was concentrating so hard on trying to figure out what they were saying that it took her a few moments before she realised John's eyes were focused on her and he was walking in her direction. She let her eyes fall to the ground, not wanting to look at him.

She was scared, scared to talk to him because by making up right then it was as though they were both admitting that there was a high possibility that this would be their last chance to make up.

He stopped a few feet short of her and nodded at something Ford said, eyes still focused on her. The younger man looked at her and then seemed to understand, disappearing back to the larger group.

"Talk?" he asked simply.

She nodded.

They glanced at the group and after a small nod from Ronon they turned and walked into the trees.

"Is this safe?" Elizabeth asked, glancing around warily.

"Ford assured me they don't come near the gate often and when they do it's in ships," his voice sounded different.

She was so used to hearing him shouting commands, or just generally being angry, that she'd almost forgotten what it sounded like to just talk to him. They walked in silence next to each other, her hand lightly brushing his as they walked. Eventually they reached the edge of a small lake, mountains towering up higher than anything she had ever seen on the opposite bank.

"Please tell me that's not the direction we're heading in," she whispered.

He shook his head. "Apparently it's all flat."

Nodding in acknowledgement she wandered over to the nearest boulder and leaned against it, admiring the view now she knew there would be no climbing of it involved. He picked up a rock and skipped it out across the lake.

She watched him, his hair scruffier and his clothes resembling rags more than a military uniform. He'd changed, but so had she, and it wasn't either of their faults. Deep inside she knew he was still John, and she knew deep inside she was still Elizabeth Weir.

"I'm sorry," she said suddenly.

He looked up from where he was collecting stones from the ground. "For what? Elizabeth, you have nothing to be sorry for."

He searched through the stones and pulled one out, dropping the rest on the ground he walked over to her.

"Hold out your hand," he said quietly, reaching for it and pulling it up.

She watched him with curiosity as he placed the rock in her hand. "John…I don't…"

"It's almost a perfect circle…circles never break, they just go on forever," she could feel his eyes burning into her as she looked down at their hands, his still holding hers up.

"We don't make a very good circle, John, we broke," she whispered in response.

His hand came up and move some of her hair behind her ear before settling on the base of her neck. She closed her eyes as he leaned his forehead against hers, relishing the touch of his skin against hers.

There was so much she wanted to say, to tell him everything she was feeling, but she couldn't find the words and she was aware that neither could he. It was all to much, his twisted confession of love for her and betrayal she had felt thinking it no longer stood. The regret she had felt because she had let herself change and he hadn't been able to accept who she had become.

She had inwardly blamed herself for it all, but at the same time she had been mad at him.

"It will never happen again," he said finally, and she could feel his breath blowing against her lips.

She said nothing, still unable to find the words that she wanted. Then she finally found them.

"Marry me," she said quietly.

He pulled away slightly and as she let her eyes open she looked right into his. He was smiling slightly and she could see the light in his eyes, the first time in days.

"You stole my line," his smile disappeared as something else came over him.

"What's wrong?" she asked, instantly afraid she had misread him, screwed everything up again.

"This wasn't how it was supposed to be," he whispered, leaning his forehead against hers again. "We were supposed to be having a picnic out on the west pier, watching the sun set over the ocean and there was supposed to be the most magnificent diamond ring I could find on Earth. There was red wine and cheese. I'm sorry."

"John…don't be…this is who we are," she finally let her hands make their way around his neck, drawing her mouth closer to his. "Broken people living in broken circles…if this is all we can have then it's enough."

"We could die," he replied, and she could hear the heaviness in his voice as he spoke.

They'd lost each other before and they'd both barely survived emotionally. She wasn't entirely sure she could deal with losing him again, but at least this time they had the chance to say goodbye. This time she would.

"You could have died that first day in the helicopter…and if you hadn't almost died then we would never have met…" she responded. "Maybe almost death is what we needed."

"I love you, Elizabeth," he whispered, and his lips were brushing against hers.

She felt her insides ready to explode with emotions. It was all too much. She wished they'd been brave enough to admit how they felt before this had all gone wrong, because all she saw in the future was an impossible wish.

"Is that a yes?" she asked.

"Yes."

He pressed his lips against hers and she felt herself being pushed back onto the rock. She wanted so much to just lose herself in the kiss, to have his body pressed against hers like it was at that moment and pretend that the rest of the world didn't exist.

Her hands found the bottom of his shirt and began to tug it up…

A loud explosion interrupted her thoughts of proceeding any further.

John was away from her and running back towards the others before she even had a chance to recover and for a moment she damned his soldier reflexes before her own survival instincts kicked in. The explosion had come from their direction.

She damned her luck and jammed the rock he had given her into her pocket. They could deal with their emotions later.

* * *


End file.
